


God Loveth His Children

by Mystic_reader



Category: AU - Fandom, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Language, M/M, Religious Themes, graphic sexual situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-22
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 12:00:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 34,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/188681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystic_reader/pseuds/Mystic_reader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When faith and obligation meet the renewal of old sins, two Mormon missionaries must decide if it’s worth losing everything they’ve ever known for a chance at love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Written for spn_j2_bigbang 2009.
> 
> All reference to The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and their beliefs, services, and the missionaries are completely true. All my knowledge of The Church and its missionaries comes from being a member for over ten years and anything I didn’t know personally came from research.
> 
> Thank you to my amazing artist and beta Maichan808! Please check out her artwork at [her site](http://maichan808.livejournal.com/24536.html)!

  
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Jared wrapped his long arms around his mother's smaller frame, hugging her close as he struggled to hold in the tears.

"We are so proud of you,” she whispered in his ear.

He pulled back, wiped his hand across his face to hide a sniffle, and smiled down at her. At 6'4" Jared was the tallest member in the family, but right now he felt like he was still a little boy who was scared to see his momma leave him behind on his first day of school. His mom beamed back at him and handed him a tissue. Jared blew his nose noisily and grinned when his big brother chuckled at him.

"Take it easy, bro," Jeff said, holding out his hand. Jared reached for it, pulling him in for a hug and squeezing his brother firmly around the shoulders.

"I'll miss you.”

"No you won't. You'll be too busy to miss me."

Jeff had gone on his own mission, so Jared figured he should know. He remembered standing in this same airport, saying goodbye to Jeff, and hearing his brother promise, "Soon it will be your turn."

Jared had shaken his head at the time. That was four years ago and even back then he’d known he didn't want to go on a mission. He had respected his big brother's decision to go, but he couldn't help but think he was a bit crazy for it. His mother had tisk-ed at Jared and said, "Of course it will."

Sharon Padalecki was always determined that both of her sons would go on missions as soon as they were able. She never dreamed that one of them might not want to. That was impossible. Why would any good young man _not_ want to bring the word of God to the world?

Jared smiled when he felt the tug of his little sister’s hand on his arm. Megan yanked on him until he was bent down low enough to look her in the eye before throwing her arms over his shoulders, hugging him hard.

"This is so cool, Jared! You have to write us as soon as you get there and tell us all about it!"

“I will,” Jared assured her as he hugged her back. Then he straightened to see his father’s approving grin.

Gerald Padalecki was positively beaming and Jared couldn’t help but smile in return. Stepping into his father's arms, he held him tight, tears once again threatening his eyes.

"You'll do great, son. Obey the rules, do your best, and everything will be fine."

Jared nodded and stood back before taking a deep breath. Reaching down to pick up his bag, he looked back at his family with a sigh and a closed-lipped smile as he made his way to the gate. He couldn’t believe he was actually going through with this. He was about to spend two years of his life spreading the gospel of the Lord, whether he liked it or not.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jared endured the next twelve weeks at the Missionary Training Center, where the majority of his days were devoted to learning everything he needed to know about being a good missionary. It was exhausting, and he was dead tired by the time he was ready to be transferred to his mission area.

He recognized them right away even though he had never seen them before in his life. They stood out amongst the other people waiting outside the terminal, with their nicely pressed suits and their clean white shirts. Their name tags sure helped a lot too. They waved when they spotted him and Jared realized suddenly that he must stand out himself, with his own dark suit and name tag that would stay permanently pinned to his chest for the next two years.

  


  


 _Elder Padalecki_ , it said. And below it, _The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints_ centered in crisp, white lettering.

Jared sighed, plastered a smile onto his face, and did his best to look happy to see the three young men who stepped up to meet him.

He always thought that Elders all looked the same, in their identical dark suits and ties, but of the three, one definitely stood out. He was, for lack of a better term— _hot_ , with dark blond hair and deep green eyes enveloped by impossibly long lashes. Jared stood mutely as the man before him extended a hand and said, "Elder Padalecki, I'm your companion, Elder Ackles. It's good to meet you."

His companion? He got to spend 24/7 looking at _that_ face? Well, if he has to suffer through the next few months attached at the hip to someone, at least he’ll get to enjoy the view.

He took Elder Ackles' hand and shook it, forcing himself to tear his gaze away in order to greet the others. Of the two of them, one was nearly as tall as Jared, with black hair and bright blue eyes. He was also pretty good looking, Jared had to admit. The man introduced himself as Elder Welling and gave him a firm handshake. His companion, Elder Kane, was much shorter than Jared, with dark hair and bangs that fell into his eyes. He clapped Jared on the shoulder companionably, like they had known each other for years.

"Welcome to hell," Kane said, earning himself a dirty look from Welling.

"What he means is, welcome to Phoenix."

"Well, it's hot as hell here. I just call it like I see it."

Jared laughed just as Elder Ackles reached out to take the bag from his shoulder. Startled by the touch, Jared turned around skittishly into Ackles personal space, sending their faces and bodies too close, and leaving Jared gaping at the other man‘s beauty.

"Ah, let me help you with that," the other man stuttered, breaking the moment and taking a step backwards.

Normally, Jared would never call another guy beautiful. But right now, he couldn't think of a better word to describe the man who was currently swinging his bag up and over his own shoulder. The other two grabbed a hold of Jared's remaining luggage before he could even find the words to thank Elder Ackles, and he silently followed the three of them out of the terminal.  


  
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The sun hit him hard when he finally stepped outside for the first time since he landed. The sudden heat felt like a heavy weight pressing down on him and his hand shot up to cover his eyes from the glaring sunlight.

Elder Kane was right. It was hot as hell here.

"105 degrees already," Welling said, as if reading Jared's mind.

Elder Ackles quirked an eyebrow in Jared’s direction and said, “But it’s a dry heat.”

 

Once they were settled in the car and on their way out of the airport, Jared found himself shuffling awkwardly in his seat, not really knowing what to say for once. Elder Welling saved him though by asking, “So, how was the MTC?”

Jared thought back on his time at the Missionary Training Center and shrugged. “It was all right, I guess. A lot of rules.”

“Tell me about it!” Kane exclaimed, looking across at Jared. “It’s ridiculous! They have rules about everything! What time to get up, what time go to bed!”

Ackles spoke up then and added wryly, “No watching TV or listening to music. No moving further than five feet away from your companion.”

Kane continued for him and they took turns reciting rules they were supposed to follow.

“Never be alone!”

“Never be alone _with a girl..._ ”

“No flirting...”

“No dating...”

Deepening his voice and narrowing his eyebrows, Elder Kane did his best impression of their Mission President, “Center your mind on your mission.”

Jared snickered in response and Ackles lowered his own voice in mock seriousness, “Keep your thoughts, words, and actions, in harmony with the gospel message.”

“I’d like to know where it says in the gospel that I can’t go to the john without my companion waiting outside the door!”

All four of them laughed at that and Jared felt his tension relax enough to say, "I know we're not supposed to use our first names, but I have to admit I'm curious. Is it all right if I ask?"

Jared was sitting in the back with Kane and he noticed Elders Ackles and Welling glance at each other across the front seat. But before either of them got a chance to speak, Kane interjected, "Mine's Christian. But everyone calls me Chris."

"Elder, we really aren't supposed to say," Welling said from the driver’s seat, but Chris just rolled his eyes.

"C‘mon, what's the harm? Mine’s Jared," he said, flashing a grin and coaxing a chuckle from Elder Welling.

“I have a feeling you two are going to be trouble." Welling threw a glance at Ackles and rolled his eyes in resignation.

"Fine. My name is Tom."

Jared looked expectantly at Ackles and smiled at the curious appraisal he saw in the other man's eyes.

"Jensen,” he said finally. "My name is Jensen."

Jared released the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and repeated the name silently to himself— _Jensen_.  


  
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Jared was impressed by the apartment complex they were staying in. The sign out front said _Sundowner Apartments_ and it was a lot bigger than he imagined it would be, with nicely manicured lawns and long, tree-covered walkways between buildings. But mostly he was surprised by all the green. Much of what Jared had seen of Phoenix was stone and concrete, and he happily breathed in the scent of freshly-cut grass.

He followed the other Elders down the long sidewalk that ran between the two main buildings of the complex and then up the metal staircase that lead to what he could only describe as a kind of balcony. All four of them dragged Jared's luggage into the apartment he would be living in for at least the next six months.

Jared's first impression was that it was nice. Spartan, but nice.

The front door led into the main living room, which stretched out into the dining area and kitchen. There were two couches, a recliner, and a little table, but not much else. The walls were white and completely bare.

Chris dropped Jared's bags and pointed to the far end of the apartment.

"Kitchen," he said, before swinging his finger counter clockwise and continuing, "Bathroom. That's you and Jensen's, I mean, Elder Ackles, bedroom. Welling and I are down at the end of the hall."

None of the furniture matched, but Jared was expecting that. He knew all the missionaries’ furniture was donated by church members. They took what they could get, and apparently, that wasn't much.

"We just moved in here about a month ago," Tom said. "They told us the other place was too expensive. This is actually a new couch too. The Elder you're replacing accidentally set fire to the last one.”

Jared made a knowing smirk, "Should I ask?"

The others laughed at that and Tom simply shook his head. "Nope."

 

Jared followed Jensen into the bedroom they would be sharing and threw his bag down, looking around the room. Besides their beds, they each had a dresser and nightstand and there was a bookshelf against the far wall. It was full of copies of _The Book Of Mormon_ and what looked like reference and teaching materials.

There was a large cork board hanging on the wall on Jensen's side of the room. It was covered with index cards, flyers, and other scraps of paper. Jensen reclined on his own bed as Jared stepped forward to examine the board.

"Those are my notes," Jensen said, intuiting the question. "What we're studying. What we're teaching.”

Jared nodded. "How many are you teaching right now?"

Jensen thought for a moment before answering: "Two couples. Two families. A single lady. So, about twelve all together?"

"That's great."

Jensen was sprawled out on his bed now. He had discarded his jacket and loosened his tie; the sunlight that was streaming in through the window above his bed brought out the golden highlights in his hair.

 _He has freckles_ , Jared thought to himself

“What?” asked Jensen.

 _Crap._

"Huh?"

"You're…you’re staring at me."

 _Crap._

"I am? Oh… Um...sorry."

Jensen just smiled politely and stifled the awkwardness with a question: “So, uh, where are you from exactly?”

“Texas.”

Jared walked back over towards his luggage, laid it out on his bed, and started to unpack. "San Antonio, actually," he said as he hung his shirts up in the closet.

Jensen warmed at that, replying with a wide grin, "I'm from Richardson."

"Really? That's not too far away."

Jensen nodded and Jared stopped to look at him. He really was beautiful, with long eyelashes, full lips, and a dusting of freckles over his nose. Jared caught himself staring again. _Damn it._ This wasn’t good. He forced his eyes away and focused on pulling his boxers and socks out of his suitcase.

“So how long have you been on your mission?”

“A year.”

He went about going through various toiletries as he continued with his line of questioning. “How long have you been in Phoenix?”

"Two months. Welling's been here for two months and Kane just got here yesterday."

"You like it here?"

"It's ok."

“What do you think of them? I mean, what are they like?”

Jensen shrugged and said, “Tom is cool. Can’t stop talking about his girlfriend back home. They’re getting married when he gets back.”

“Where’s he from?”

“Utah. Provo, I think. Chris is from California. I can’t tell you much about him. Like I said, he just got here too.”

Jared was silent then as he stuffed his folded slacks into one of his drawers, trying to concentrate on what he was doing and not on the feeling of Jensen's measuring eyes on him from across the room. He was sure his companion thought he was saddled with a gaping idiot, fellow Texan or not.

He wiped his hands on his pants and sighed as he pulled a small bag out of his suitcase. Inside was the new set of scriptures his parents gave him when he got his mission papers. They had his name engraved on them in gold lettering.

His parents had been so proud, told everyone they knew. They hadn't understood his lack of enthusiasm. He had tried to explain to them that he didn't really want to go on a mission, but his excuses had fallen on deaf ears.

He wished he could have told them the real reason he didn't want to go. Why he _shouldn't_ go. He wasn't worthy.

He was gay. It took him a long time to be able to admit that to himself, but it was true. He'd known since he was fourteen. That was the year his mother had caught him kissing another boy. They were in Jared's bedroom and they were supposed to be studying. Mark had asked Jared for help with his Algebra homework but later he admitted that he had a crush on him.

Jared had never kissed anyone before, and when Mark leaned in and pressed his lips to his, Jared didn't try to stop him. He kissed him back and had been totally lost in the sensations of the other boy’s lips when his mother had walked in.

She went from shocked to furious in only a matter of moments and had immediately told his father, who called for an emergency meeting with the Bishop. Without even speaking to Jared about it, it was decided that he was just confused and only needed a little guidance in order to get back on the right path.

His mother had been so visibly relieved to hear that there was hope for her son, that Jared hadn't had the heart to tell her that he didn't feel confused at all.

It was decided then that he should go to a reparative therapy camp for the summer that specialized in "fixing" young men and women who had somehow come to have "homosexual inclinations".

Ashamed, his parents told everyone they knew, including his brother and sister, that he was going to a basketball camp. They even demanded he not tell Chad, his best friend since 5th grade.

It was terrible. Jared was told he had been influenced by the Devil, that he had to be saved and cured or he was going to hell. They drilled into him day after day, that his feelings were immoral, unnatural, and sinful. They filled his head with images of God's wrath and threatened him with an eternity of suffering.

They also told him that he could be "cured" if he had faith, repented, and prayed hard enough. And if he lived a righteous life from that day on, never again giving in to his immoral thoughts, he could be saved. They assured him that true happiness came with self-control, that he would never be truly happy if he submitted to the Devil and gave in to his physical urges.

Jared believed them and spent the next five years fighting a losing battle with himself. He let himself down, he let God down, and he didn't deserve to be here. He eventually came to accept that those feelings would always be there, and if he was not capable of suppressing his immoral desires, at least he would never again act on them.  


  
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Jared crashed into his bed that night, his body feeling like a dead weight. He was so exhausted, he could only hope that he slept well enough that he wouldn't have trouble getting up again.

It seemed like his head had barely touched the pillow before he was dragging himself out of his bed at 6:30 the next day, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He felt like death.

The Elders had a stringent, mandatory routine they had to follow every morning. First was a half an hour of exercise and Jared dropped heavily to the floor between their beds next to Jensen to do sit-ups. After pushups and pull-ups on the bar Jensen had stuck in between the door frame, the two of them settled on their own beds for a half an hour of individual scripture study.

It was tough. Jared managed to keep his drooping eye-lids open only to get distracted by the way Jensen sucked in his bottom lip as he concentrated on his reading. He would look away time and time again but always seemed to find his gaze falling back on Jensen. His eyes swept over Jensen's face, taking in the bow of his lips, the arch of his eyebrow, and the slight flush in his cheeks left over from his earlier exertions.

Jared cursed himself as he reached for his copy of _Preach My Gospel_. They had to spend the next thirty minutes studying the text and taking notes, which he noticed Jensen did on the note cards that he had seen tacked on the cork board on the wall. Jared did his best to focus and neither of them spoke until it was time for the hour of study they were required to do together.

He noticed Jensen was meticulous in his planning. He had the whole week planned out. He knew exactly where they were going to be at any given moment and Jared chuckled lightly at the thought of Jensen being a little –ok, more than a little—anal retentive.

Jared watched him with an amused expression on his face until Jensen finally looked up at him.

“What?”

Jared smiled and shook his head. "Nothing, man. You're just really organized is all."

He watched the blush creep up Jensen's neck to cover his cheeks, as he rubbed back of his neck with his hand and grinned shyly at him. It was cute.

"I know...I tend to get a little bit obsessive. Just smack me if I get on your nerves too much."

Jared laughed at that, shook his head again. "No, don't worry about it...I kind of like it. It's...responsible."

He felt his own cheeks flush at Jensen's smile.  


  
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After showering, eating breakfast, and saying their morning prayers, it was time to go tracting, where they knocked on doors and tried to find people who were willing to hear their message. It was decided that Tom and Chris would drop Jared and Jensen off and then take the car and go to the opposite end of their area.

In between getting doors slammed in their faces and being told to fuck off, Jensen took the opportunity to let Jared know a little more about their ward's congregation.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm always grateful for a good meal, but the Peterson's are vegetarians. No meat whatsoever! It's all tofu and bean sprouts, man!"

Jared somehow managed to laugh and groan at the same time. "You're kidding me?” He watched as Jensen giggled and couldn't help but notice the way his eyes crinkled around the edges when he smiled.

"And then there's the Reynolds."

Jared hiked his backpack up higher on his shoulder and asked, "Who are they?"

At the pause, Jared looked over to see Jensen’s expression had gone grave. "Chris and Jackie Reynolds. Their son, Kyle, is seventeen. Last week, Kyle told his parents he thought he was gay."

Jared's heart dropped into his stomach. His movement slowed and he stared at Jensen's back as he continued to walk ahead.

It took Jensen several paces to notice that Jared wasn't beside him any longer, and he turned to find him standing a few feet behind.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he stepped closer and reached out to touch Jared’s arm.

Jared tried to school his expression, to pull on the mask that he was so used to wearing, even as his body reacted to Jensen's fingers resting lightly over his elbow. Instinctively jerking back, he stepped away as terrifying thoughts ran through his head: that somehow if Jensen got too close, touched him, he would be able to see, that no matter how much he tried, he wouldn't be able to hide the attraction he felt every time Jensen looked at him. Swallowing his fear, Jared simply straightened his shoulders, pushed forward, past Jensen, and resumed walking.

"So this kid thinks he's gay?" he managed stiffly, not bothering to see if Jensen was even following.

Without missing a beat, Jensen was by his side again and doing his best to keep up with the taller man’s gait.

"Um, yeah. I suppose. At least, he thinks he is."

"Let me guess," Jared said, unable to hide the disgust from his tone, "his parents don't think so."

When he didn't respond, Jared turned to look at Jensen, finding him with his hands in his pockets and his eyes trained firmly on the sidewalk.

"What?" Jared asked, but Jensen seemed determined to remain silent, steering him towards another doorway.

 

Jared steeled himself for getting another door slammed in his face, shifting his feet nervously as Jensen rang the door bell and waited for someone to answer. When the door finally opened and they were greeted by a kind-looking woman with a warm smile, Jared thought maybe this one will be different.

Jensen spoke first. He promised Jared that he would do all the talking until he felt comfortable enough to do it on his own.

"Good morning, ma‘am. We're from the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints and we were wondering if we could have a moment of your time."

The woman‘s smile didn‘t falter as she nodded her assent. "Of course, come in, please."

Jared and Jensen followed her into the living room, where she offered them a drink.

"No, thank you, ma‘am. We would just like to..."

The woman interrupted him then by asking them to sit down. She motioned to the couch and with a quick look at Jensen to see what he was going to do, Jared followed and took a seat next to him. He placed his backpack on the floor next to his feet and waited for Jensen to begin the speech that they had memorized for moments like this, but before Jensen could even get a word out, the woman spoke up.

"I know why you boys are here. And I know about your _church_.

Jared's eyes widened as he watched her actually make air quotes when she said _church_.

"And I am glad you’re here." She smiled kindly at them again, but Jared had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach that he was having trouble ignoring. Once again, before Jensen could get a word in, the woman continued.

"I feel the Lord has led you to my door for a reason. So I could share the truth of his gospel with you."

Jared grimaced. He knew where this was heading, but Jensen only smiled politely and said, "Ma‘am, we appreciate that you want to share your testimony with us. We respect your beliefs and..."

He was interrupted again.

"I feel the Lord has brought you here so that I have the opportunity to save your souls."

"Ma‘am..." Jensen tried to say but the woman prattled on, gesturing fervently at them.

"You young men are being led astray! You are being controlled by the Devil himself! He is controlling you! If you do not accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, you will spend eternity in the pits of hell!"

Jared was stunned speechless. His mouth hung open and he gaped dumbly as she went on, "God loves you and he wants you to know the truth! He wants you to return to be with Him in heaven."

When she finally paused to take a breath, Jensen interjected,

"Ma‘am, we want to thank you for welcoming us into your home today but we think it would be better if we excuse ourselves."

He stood quickly and Jared followed suit, neither of them sparing a glance at the woman doggedly tailing them to the door. She was still yammering at them to stay and redeem their lost souls, even as they reached the sidewalk.

When they were safely down the street, Jared took a deep breath, letting out a rush of air.

"You all right?" Jensen asked, looking up at him.

Jared nodded as he fell into step beside him. "Yeah. I just never...I don't know...I just wasn't expecting something like that."

"Yeah, I felt that way too at first. I was warned, but spending all my time around LDS people, I never encountered anyone like that before, so I was still a little unprepared for it."

"Have you met many like her?"

Jensen nodded. "Yeah, not just here. There are people like her in every area. People who don’t understand that we believe in the same Christ they do. Some are still willing to listen to what he have to say though. They think that as we talk they can point out inconsistencies and stuff. They'll pull out their Bibles and try to prove us wrong. And that's fine, if they’re actually willing to keep an open mind and consider what we're saying. We can discuss it, but you know _The White Bible_ says we're not allowed to debate.”

 _The White Bible_ was the nickname the Elders gave the little white book that they carried in their breast pockets, which held all the rules they were supposed to follow.

As they made their way up the sidewalk towards the next house, Jensen continued,

"But there are just some people who don't want to listen at all. _Won't_ listen. No matter what we say, they don't want to hear it. There’s not much we can do about that.”

As they stepped up onto the porch, Jared noticed a sign next to the door and laughed.

"Check it out," he said as he motioned towards the small sign that read: _No Solicitors, No Mormons_.

Jensen snickered. "I've never seen anything like that before. They wanna make sure they have all their bases covered, don't they?"

Jared pulled his backpack off his shoulder and opened it, digging inside.

"Crap, I must have forgotten to grab my camera."

Jensen laughed and offered his own, gesturing for Jared to go up on the porch. "Go on. Go stand up there by it. I'll take your picture."

Jared looked around furtively to see if anyone was watching. With the coast clear, he ran up the steps to stand next to the sign. At first he just pointed at it, but at Jensen’s urging he burst into a smile so wide he was sure his dimples must be showing. Jensen took the picture and said, "Just one more."

Jared, overcome with a sudden case of the giggles started posing wildly while Jensen snapped away, one more turning into several.

They were still laughing as they continued on, Jensen grinning as he bumped Jared's shoulder with his own.

  
It was starting to get dark when they decided to head back to the apartment. They were supposed to be back in by 9:00 and they still had at least another hour’s walk ahead of them. Jared was exhausted and his feet were killing him. They had been on their feet for hours and had only taken a break for lunch. They had knocked on more doors than he could remember, but it had been a good day, because they met several people who were willing to talk to them, and two who actually made appointments for them to return for a second discussion.

Jared's shirt was plastered to his back and he wiped the sweat from his brow, surprised at how hot it still was, even this late. He would have given anything to be able to take off his tie, but that was out of the question. As long as they were out in public, they had to keep up appearances. At least he was allowed to take off his jacket.

Jared was listening to Jensen tell a funny story about his little sister when a noise caught their attention. Turning around, they saw a group of young men approaching. There were five of them, and they couldn’t be more than 16 or 17 years old. They appeared to be Hispanic, and dressed in dark pants and wife-beaters, their various tattoos clearly visible. From the looks on their faces, Jared was instantly on edge.

One stood out from the others. He was obviously the leader.

"What do we have here?"

His ominous tone prompted Jensen to shift closer until Jared was keenly aware they were touching shoulders.

The leader was thin and tall. He was the same height as Jared and his slicked back hair was covered by a dark blue bandana. Jared noticed that each of the boys seemed to be wearing one, a few on their heads, a couple wrapped around the thick meat of their arms. It had to mean something. When the leader stepped closer, there was no mistaking the alcohol on his breath. He seemed to be looking them over, a small smirk on his face.

A smaller, rounder boy who didn’t look much older than 15, leered at them. "Aren't they cute?" The kid might look young, but the hard edge of his eyes told Jared he could be equally as dangerous as his larger friend.

The leader nodded and took another step closer and Jared felt Jensen stiffen next to him.

"What are you two doing out here? Isn't it past your bedtime?" he asked, all traces of his earlier smile gone.

Jensen answered, "We were just heading home. We don't want any trouble."

Instinctively, Jared moved his hand, placing it low on Jensen’s back to reassure him that he was there.

Then the leader spoke again.

"You guys are from that weird church, right? You go 'round, door to door?"

Jensen nodded and retreated a step back, leaning against Jared.

One of the other boys spoke up then.

"So you're the ones harassing my mom? Knockin’ on her door? Buggin’ her to join some fucking cult?!"

"Look, we're just going to go," Jensen said, pushing on Jared again, forcing them both to back up.

Jared was afraid the boys weren’t going to let them go, and he took a hold of Jensen's sleeve as he glanced behind them. But the boys only came a few feet closer before the leader barked, "You culeros get the fuck out of our neighborhood!” And his words kept the rest of the group at bay as Jared and Jensen hurried away.  


  
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When they finally got back to their apartment, they walked in to find Chris and Tom arguing in the living room.

"It doesn't matter," Tom was saying. "You can't just disappear on me like that!"

"What's going on?" Jensen asked, and both men turned to look at them.

Tom looked angry and Chris just looked annoyed. He rolled his eyes and turned away. Stomping into the kitchen and opening the refrigerator, he grabbed a bottle of water.

Tom watched, clearly agitated, before turning back to Jensen and Jared, with his hands on his hips.

"Elder Kane decided to wander away while I was in the restroom. I came out and he was nowhere to be found."

They dropped their backpacks on the floor and Jared flopped down onto the couch. The muscles in his legs were burning and all he wanted to do was go to sleep. He kicked off his shoes, massaging his sore feet, and watched Chris trudge back into the living room.

"It wasn't that big of a deal," Chris said, before taking a swig of the water.

"I waited there for you for fifteen minutes! I had no idea where you were!"

Jensen cut in then. "Where were you?" he questioned Chris, who rolled his eyes and flopped down on the couch next to Jared.

"I was just down the street!" he said, looking up at them.

"What where you doing down the street? You know you're not supposed to be more than five feet away from your companion," Jensen chided.

With a flippant shrug, Chris answered, “Some chick wanted to talk to me.”

"Some chick?" Jensen asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, she wanted to know more about _The Book Of Mormon_." His barely contained smirk made it obvious he didn’t expect anyone to buy it.

They didn't.

Jared was dragging his body up off the couch and heading towards the bedroom when Tom pointed at the kitchen table and said, "Hey Ackles, you got some mail there."  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jared was changing into his pajama bottoms when Jensen walked into their room, carrying the letter. Noticing he still hadn't opened it, he watched as Jensen dropped it on top of his dresser and started to unbutton his shirt.

"You're not going to open it?"

Jensen threw his shirt in the hamper and unbuttoned his slacks. He just shook his head. “Nope. Not now.”

Jared couldn't help being really curious. He was always happy to hear from home, and he didn’t understand why Jensen wasn’t excitedly tearing into the envelope, eager to know what his family was up to.

"Who's it from?"

"My girlfriend."

Jared's heart sank. _Of course_ Jensen had a girlfriend. He was struggling with the idea of what that meant when a thought occurred to him.

"Wait, she's your girlfriend, and you don't want to read it?" he asked, climbing into his bed.

Jensen was already lying in his, staring at the ceiling when he finally answered.

"I don't know. She's just going to gush about wedding plans and about how much she can't wait until I get home. And I just don't want to hear it."

 _Wedding Plans..._ Jared felt sick, but somehow he managed to croak out, "So, you're getting married when you get home?"

Jensen was quiet for a moment and Jared could hear his heart beat pounding in his ears. He didn't want to know the answer, but knew he needed to. Maybe if he accepted Jensen was getting married, it would help him get over this insane crush he had on him. He waited with bated breath for Jensen to speak.

"Yeah...but..."

"Yeah, but what?"

He could hear Jensen rolling over in his bed and when he glanced over, he was on his side, looking at him. Jared moved to roll onto his side as well.

"The truth is..." Jensen answered quietly, "I don't really want to."

They were staring at each other across the open space between their beds.

"Then why did you ask her?"

Jensen's eyes never moved from Jared's face as he whispered, "I guess I felt like I had to. Like it was expected."

Jared could understand that. Parents in The Church were notorious for pushing their kids to get married as soon as possible. He didn't understand why, but when a missionary got home, it was just expected that he get married soon after.

"But you don't want to?"

Jensen shook his head and they looked at each other across the dark room for a moment longer before Jensen asked softly, “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you have a girlfriend back home?”

Jared rolled away and gazed up at the ceiling morosely. “No, I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know...I guess...I’m just picky. I don’t wanna date just anyone, ya know?”

Still staring at the ceiling, he heard Jensen murmur, “Well...you’ll meet the right one... eventually.”

Jared had something else he wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer. Taking a deep breath, he asked anyways. “Your girlfriend...is she the right one?”

He heard Jensen sigh and roll so he was on his back now, looking up into the darkness. “I don’t know. I mean, she’s beautiful....and...she’s a good person.”

Unable to hide his sarcasm, Jared muttered, “Sure sounds like true love. How did you two meet?”

“My parents introduced us. They love her. Keep telling me she’s perfect for me. But...I‘m not so sure.”

Now it was Jared‘s turn to sigh. He wished he could tell Jensen that it didn’t sound like such a great relationship, but didn’t feel it was his place. Who was he to tell Jensen who he should and should not date? Especially when he was a little –ok, a lot—biased.

“My parents have tried to introduce me to girls, but I was never interested,” Jared finally answered to the ceiling, his voice faint.

“How come?”

Jared sighed again. “I don’t know.”  


  
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They spent their days tracting, knocking on doors, and meeting with people they had spoken to previously who had made appointments for second discussions. By the end of his first week, Jared’s body was finally starting to adjust to all the walking. They’d taken the car on Thursday though, because Jared swore that if he had to walk more than a few steps his feet would fall off. After that they made a deal. Jensen and Jared got the car one week, and Chris and Tom got it the next. Jensen even offered to draw up a spreadsheet to keep track.

Even though Jared was getting used to the work, he still looked forward to Saturdays. That was their preparation day, otherwise known as P-day. The one day of the week where they got time off, and weren’t required to wear their suits.

Jared learned quickly though, that it wasn’t much of a day off at all. It was also the only time that they were allowed to do their grocery shopping, laundry, and clean the apartment, so there was always something that needed to be done. But at least they were allowed to do it wearing their regular clothes.

Jensen and Tom had been there the longest so they had worked out a schedule, or rather, Jensen had worked out a schedule. And if they all stuck to it, it would ensure everything got done and still leave them with enough free time to take a real break.

They all got up at their regular ungodly hour, and each boy was assigned certain chores around the apartment. Tom and Chris dropped Jensen and Jared off at the laundromat, while they went to the grocery store. They even knew how many machines they needed to get all their loads done in time for Tom and Chris to come pick them up, and once they got all the laundry and groceries put away, they were free to do whatever they wanted.

That day, they decided to shoot some hoops. _The White Bible_ said they weren’t allowed to play full court, but they could play half, and there was an elementary school a few streets over from their apartment building. It had a huge playground and a nice-sized basketball court.

It was two against two: Jensen and Jared against Tom and Chris.

The afternoon sun was high in the sky and within minutes, all four boys were soaked from the exertion, but it still felt good to get rid of some of that pent up energy and frustration.

Jared wasn't ashamed to admit he was pretty good at basketball. His height gave him a definite advantage and was a constant irritation to Chris who only stood at 5'8". But even so, Chris was quick and managed to worm his way past Jared and Jensen several times.

"Damn it, Welling!" Chris shouted. It took Tom a second to realize that Jared had stolen the ball and he bit off a curse just as a perfect jump shot swished through the basket.

The game paused as Chris and Tom continued arguing about how Tom had let Jared get by him and Jared planted his hands on his knees as he took a moment to catch his breath.

Jensen was standing in front of him, the sun shining down on him at the perfect angle to highlight the gold in his hair and the beads of sweat dripping off his brow. His t-shirt was plastered to his skin and Jared could see the definition of muscles moving underneath the cloth as his chest heaved.

Tom or Chris must have done or said something funny because Jensen was laughing, but Jared was too mesmerized by broad shoulders and firm thighs to pay any attention to what the other two boys were saying.

 _He's beautiful..._ Jared thought, as he watched Jensen absentmindedly lift the hem of his t-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face. His basketball shorts hung low on his hips and Jared could see the jut of his hip bones along with the beginnings of the trail of hair leading into his waist band.

  
Jared's mouth went dry as he stared and tried to soak up every detail, every line and curve of Jensen's body.

"Elder!"

Jared registered the voice but it sounded muffled, like someone underwater. He struggled to concentrate long enough to understand the words.

"Hey, Elder!" Then..."Jared!"

The sound of his own name jerked Jared out of his daze and he lifted his eyes to Jensen's face.

Jensen was staring at him, waving a hand around in front of his face.

 _Oh God._

"W- what?"

"You all right? You looked kind of out of it," Jensen asked, worry creeping into his voice.

 _Crap._

Jared couldn't believe he had been caught looking. It had been years since he had let his attention wander like that. He was always so careful.

Jared nodded and wiped the sweat off his forehead. He struggled to think of a good reason for his behavior but his mouth was so parched, it felt like his tongue had swollen two sizes too big, and he couldn't seem to find the right words. All he could manage was, "Uhhhh..."

He could hear Chris laughing about something behind him and then suddenly Jensen was there, right in front of him, just inches away from his face. He felt Jensen's hand resting on his shoulder and looked down into Jensen's eyes. He was visibly concerned now. "Are you ok? You don't look so good."

Jensen looked up into his face and Jared just stood there transfixed, his eyes tracking a drop of sweat as it ran down Jensen's forehead and fell off the tip of his nose.

He was abruptly inundated with a flash of images: hands lifting Jensen's soaked t-shirt and peeling it away from his skin; a tongue licking a trail down the center of Jensen's chest; palms covering Jensen's hips, fingers digging into all that hard muscle and slick skin.

A rush of heat flooded Jared's body and his dick twitched in his shorts. Jensen put his arm over his shoulders and all Jared could do was stand there and gape. If he moved, if he tried to speak, he would lose hold of that one last piece of propriety keeping him from jumping on Jensen and molesting him right there on the basketball court in front of God and the world.

He wanted to touch. Oh God, he wanted to touch. And the reality of the strength of his desires hit him like a ton of bricks, causing Jared to jerk back and out from under Jensen's arm. He tried to step away from him, but Jensen only followed. Jensen's brow was furrowed as he threw his arm over Jared's shoulders again, pulling him close, refusing to let him go far.

Jared heard Chris' voice.

"Is he ok?"

He saw Jensen nod as Tom handed him a bottle of water, which he held up to Jared to drink. Suddenly, Jared felt dizzy and he tipped to the side, which only made Jensen's hold on him tighten.

"Drink this, Jared. It's the heat." Jensen shoved the water into Jared's hand and forced him to raise the bottle to his lips.

Once the cool wetness of the water hit his tongue, it was like he could breathe again. His whole body trembled, his hands especially, and he almost dropped the water twice. Jensen eventually took it from him and helped him walk back to where they had parked the car.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Back at the apartment, Jared was lying down in his bed and Jensen was hovering like a mother hen.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Jensen asked again and Jared smiled, shaking his head.

"No, I'm fine. Really. The heat just got to me a little." But Jared knew it hadn't been the heat, and he rolled over to face the wall as Jensen left their room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

He hadn't had a panic attack like that in years, not since he was fifteen. Back then, he used to freak out anytime a guy he found attractive came anywhere near him. He had been so scared that his parents would figure out that he hadn't really been cured and send him back to that place. He was so afraid that somehow they could tell, just by looking at him, that he was still _wrong_.

Since then he trained himself to hide his feelings. He hid his thoughts and emotions behind a mask twenty-four hours a day. Eventually, he got so good at it, it just came naturally, and over time he was able to be around good looking guys without being plagued by constant anxiety. When he met someone he was attracted to, he would recognize the feeling, and then just let it wash over him. He would push it away without dwelling on it. He found other ways to distract himself and he was sure that he would never have a problem with it again.

Until now.

Jared tossed and turned in the bed and could hear Jensen saying goodnight to the others out in the living room.

Their room was dark and Jared was still facing the wall when Jensen came in. He listened as Jensen changed into his sleeping clothes and noticed when his footfalls stopped next to his bed.

"You awake?"

Jared didn't move. He knew it was childish to pretend he was asleep, but he felt like if he faced Jensen, saw his look of concern and friendly affection, he might burst into tears. And he really didn't want to have to explain _that_.  


  
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The next morning Jared woke sporting an impressive hard on. Without thinking he rolled over and pressed his hips into the mattress, groaning before his eyes shot open to see Jensen staring at him.

 _Shit._

He felt his cheeks flush up and covered his face with his pillow in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. Jensen merely chuckled and said, "Good morning."

Jared's return greeting was muffled by his pillow and he heard Jensen chuckle again. "You want first shower?"

He knew he was blushing hard when he finally sat up, but thankfully Jensen was lying on his side facing the wall, allowing him to maintain his last little bit of his dignity as he slinked from his bed into the safety of the bathroom.

He had been dreaming about Jensen, so when he stepped into the shower, he couldn't stop his thoughts from drifting back. His hand moved south as he remembered the image of dream Jensen, laid out under him.

In the dream he had been pressing Jensen into the mattress, kissing him deeply. Then the vision had changed, and Jared had him pressed against a wall, where he had run his hands over the smooth plains of Jensen's bare chest. He recalled the feel of Jensen's lips, the way their tongues had collided as he pressed close, chest to chest. Skin on skin.

Jared's heart was beating rapidly and _oh God_ , he really shouldn't be doing this; it was against the rules, but his cock was persistent. He slid his hand up and over the length of it, unable to stop, bracing himself against the wall.

He muffled his groan using the inside of his arm and pulled on it again, an image of Jensen on his knees in front of him invading his thoughts.

He could see it in his mind’s eye. Imagined it was Jensen's hand stroking him instead of his own. He imagined Jensen’s mouth gliding over his chest, teasing at his nipple. Jensen's thumb flicking over the head and twisting just right.

His hips jerked and he fisted his cock harder, faster. He pictured Jensen’s mouth finally taking him in, enveloping him with its sweet pressure and heat. Those perfect lips surrounding him.

Jared’s muscles pulled tight and his knees nearly buckled as his orgasm hit him. The first pulse of come struck the wall and ran down over his hand. The moan he’d been suppressing shuddering through his whole body as he milked himself dry.

He was breathing heavy as he rested his head against the wall and thought of Jensen in the next room.

 _Oh God, did he hear me? I can't believe I just did that._

He stepped under the spray and let the water wash away the evidence of his sin, of his weakness.

Jared's chest tightened when he thought about having to walk back into their room and face Jensen, knowing what he had done.

 _Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to feel this way? Why now when he had been doing so well? Why would God punish him like this?_

Tears began to spill over his face but they were lost in the spray. Jared mechanically scrubbed the rest of himself down, washed his body clean, then slipped out of the shower and toweled off. He turned to stare at himself in the mirror. He had dark circles under his eyes and they were red from rubbing as he tried to force back the tears that seemed determined to show themselves.

 _Get a grip, Jared. You can do this. Just go in there. Act normal. You can do it._  


  
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"You nervous?" Jensen asked when they were in the back of the car and on their way to Jared's first Sunday in their ward.

Jared seemed surprised at the question, "No. Why?"

Jensen nodded towards Jared's knee and he looked down to see he was twitching pretty badly.

"Nervous tick?"

Jared forced a smile and made an effort to relax his shoulders and still his leg.

He lied smoothly, "I just get a little nervous being around new people, is all." He wasn’t about to admit it was actually Jensen’s proximity to him in the back seat that had him on edge.

Tom spoke up from the front, "Don't worry about it. Everyone here has always been really nice."

Jensen nodded as Tom continued, "The only one who should be nervous is Elder Kane, here."

Chris jerked his head around to look at Tom, "Wait, what? Why should I be nervous?"

Tom smirked and said, "Well, I'd think you would be worried about having to behave yourself around so many pretty girls."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Man, I am not going to be hitting on chicks at Church."

All three of the other Elders laughed at that, earning a glare from Chris.

"What is so funny?!"

Tom tried to contain his laughter long enough to say, "Just the thought of you trying not to flirt. I don't think it's possible."

Chris swung his head around to look back at Jensen and Jared who both nodded their heads in agreement.

Chris just huffed out a breath and shook his head before turning to face the window, mouthing, _not possible_?

"No, really. Everyone‘s super friendly. Don‘t sweat it." Jensen said, and patted Jared's knee.

Through a strained smile, Jared said, "I'm looking forward to meeting everyone."

"And I am sure they'll all love you," Tom chimed in, “especially Sister Baxter."

Jensen laughed and made a knowing grin.

"What's so funny?"

"Sarah Baxter. She's our biggest fan."

Jared looked at Jensen and asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"She loves Elders, and she's a major flirt. Plus, you're just her type."

"She has a type?"

"Yup," Tom said, with a mischievous grin. "She loves greenies. The new guys. They're less likely to follow all the rules. She's contributed to more than one Elder being sent packing."

"You're kidding?" Chris said and chuckled loudly.

"Yeah, so you should probably stay away from her, Kane."

Chris looked insulted and straightened his jacket. "Hey, I can control myself."

"And... she likes tall guys."

"So I guess that means Kane is safe," Jared said, turning to Chris.

"HA HA." Chris dead panned. "I'm big everywhere it counts, buddy."

Chris was at least a foot shorter than Jared, who burst out laughing, "I think I'll have to take your word for it."

Jensen nodded in agreement. "And today's testimony Sunday so that means we'll get to hear all about everyone who's pissed off Sister Bufford this month."

Jared loved testimony Sundays. It was the one day out of the month when anyone who wanted to could stand and share their testimony with everyone. He loved hearing people's feelings on how The Church had helped them or changed them in some way. People often spoke of times of doubt and the different ways their faith had been tested and how in the end, their faith had somehow been restored by God and The Church. There were often tears and expressions of love and gratitude. Jared sincerely enjoyed learning about the different ways God had touched people's lives.

Tom clarified: "Sister Bufford likes to use her time to martyr herself. Let everyone know what a saint she is for putting up with people no matter how terrible they treat her. If you looked up self-righteous in the dictionary you would see her picture."

Jensen nodded and continued, "We'll also get to hear all the ways Sister Lewis is the perfect Christian woman."

Jared could empathize. He could think of people in his own ward back home in Texas who were just like that and said as much to the others.

"I'll bet every ward has them," Jensen said.  


  
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An hour later, Jared felt like he had never shaken more hands in his life.

As soon as they arrived they had been abandoned by Tom and Chris, and were almost immediately approached by the infamous Sarah Baxter. Jensen introduced them and after watching the horror that crossed Jared's face when she draped herself all over him, proceeded to tell her that Jared was tired from being up all night missing his girlfriend, whom he was engaged to be married to.

Sarah's face dropped and much to Jared's relief, she had let go of his arm. It seemed she believed that Elders who were engaged to girlfriends back home were less likely to want to risk a fling and Jared thanked him for that. He relaxed a bit, until Jensen told him that was the reason she had backed off of Jensen himself.

Being reminded that Jensen had a girlfriend back home just added another layer to Jared's anxious mood as he followed Jensen into the chapel to find their seats.

The building was huge and even though the sacrament meeting didn't start for another half an hour the place was almost already full. Jensen and Jared took their seats up front next to Tom and Chris, who whispered to Jared, "That Sarah chick is hot."

By the time the meeting started, there were so many people they had to bring out extra chairs for people to sit on in the back.

Three hours later, Jared felt like he was ready to collapse and was so grateful that they were able to go home soon. He and Jensen were making their way through the crowd of people towards the exit, shaking hands with everyone on their way out, when they were stopped by a couple who introduced themselves as Chris and Jackie Reynolds.

Jared tried to remember where he had heard their names before when Sister Reynolds spoke up.

"The Bishop said we should talk to you."

The woman was small and slight, with long dark hair and sad eyes. She seemed to be clinging to her husband as she continued, "Remember how our son, Kyle, came to us last week and told us that he believed he might be gay?”

Jared suppressed a gasp as it dawned on him who these people were. Jensen had told him about them and their son.

"He wouldn’t listen to us..." she went on, "when we tried to talk some sense into him. So we were hoping he would listen to you, seeing as you are so close in age. He's only seventeen."

 _Oh God._

"Would you be willing to come and speak to him?" the father, Chris, asked hopefully.

Jared had to restrain himself from shaking his head furiously and saying _No, no… we can't. **I** can't. **I'm** not the one you want talking to your son._

Somehow he managed to hold his tongue and listened as Jensen said, "Of course we can, Sister Reynolds. We'd be happy to."

Jackie Reynolds' face lit up at that and she seemed to soften and sink into her husband's embrace in relief. It seemed she was already convinced that they could persuade her son to come around, to realize how wrong he was.

She started thanking them profusely and Jared smiled tightly at her, his heart beating a mile a minute. How the hell was he supposed to do this, sit there across from a boy and convince him that what he was feeling was wrong, while sitting next to freakin’ Jensen Ackles.  


  
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They kept so busy that they days went by quickly. They spent the majority of their time tracting, meeting with people who’d made appointments, and helping out in any way they could—like watering an elderly Church member’s plants or picking up prescriptions for sick families.

Jared did his best to ignore his growing attachment to Jensen, but it was hard when he had to spend 24/7 with the guy. He actually learned to enjoy tracting, becoming accustomed to having doors slammed in his face and relishing the time it gave him to talk to Jensen. And talk they did, about everything. Well... almost everything. He couldn’t bring up _that_ with Jensen. But he did discuss his parents and how they made him feel like he would never be good enough. How it felt like no matter what he did, they would never be happy. And Jensen, in turn, opened up about having trouble saying no to his own parents, how they had his whole life planned out and they didn’t seem to care much about what he wanted.

If Jared thought time would lessen his crush, he was dead wrong. Not that Jensen made it easy with his reserved nature. He could be really shy, and it was hard to get him to open up at first. Jared had a horrible time trying to get him to relax and truly let his guard down. But once he did, he learned Jensen possessed a dry wit, and was remarkably bright, having graduated valedictorian. And when he laughed, sometimes his face would light up and he would look all of five years old, making Jared all warm inside.

 _Yeah, he was so screwed._


	2. God Loveth His Children

Jensen laid in his bed listening to the soft sounds of Jared's breathing. They hadn't been there long, maybe a half an hour, and he could tell by the way that Jared was tossing and turning, huffing out a frustrated breath every few minutes, that he couldn't sleep either.

"Hey, Jar..." he caught himself saying. Why was he having so much trouble using the proper form of address when it came to Jared? He never had a problem with remembering to call the other guys "Elder" like he was supposed to, but he was constantly catching himself slipping when it came to his new companion.

"Hey...uh..." he went on, choosing to ignore the question in his head for the time being. "I've been meaning to ask you how you’re doing. I mean...with adjusting to life here and everything. Cause you know, if you have any problems, you can talk to me. I've been where you are. So I could probably help. Or I could just listen, if that's what you need. I don't mind."

He could hear Jared let out a sigh and then say, "I don't know. I guess it just takes some getting used to. Being away from home."

"You ever been away from home before?"

Jared paused for a moment before continuing, "Um... yeah. Long time ago. But that was only for the summer. Not for two whole years."

"Where did you go then?"

"Camp," was all Jared said to that and Jensen waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. They both laid there silently staring at the ceiling for a few minutes before Jensen rolled over in his bed to lie on his side so he could see the younger boy better. Jared’s face was hidden by shadow, the streetlight outside their window providing barely enough light to illuminate a portion of their room.

"Did you want to go on a mission?" Jared asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, I did. Ever since I was a little kid. My mom used to have the Elders over for dinners and she would tell me all about how wonderful it would be if I went on a mission too when I grew up. So, I just sorta always wanted to. I worked for years to pay for it myself. My parents are real big on that kind of thing.” Jensen lowered his voice, emulating his father’s deeper tone and said, “Gotta learn responsibility.”

Jared was silent then, so Jensen asked, "Why? Didn't you?"

He stared at what he could see of Jared's profile. He could just make out his nose and chin, the pout of his lips. It looked like he was frowning.

"Not really," he heard Jared mumble.

Jensen smiled. "It's ok, you know? I've met more Elders that didn't want to be here than ones who did. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

Jared let out a huff of a laugh. "Ok then, yeah. My parents had to make me."

"How'd they do that?"

"They said they wouldn't pay for me to go to college if I didn't go. Or get me a car."

Personally, Jensen didn't think that it was right for parents to force their kids to go on missions. Even though he'd heard all their reasonings why they should, like how the kids never regretted it, or it could only help their child grow and be a better person so what could be so wrong with that? He still believed that kids should be able to make the decision on their own, and he said as much to Jared.

"That's not right."

He could just make out Jared shrugging his shoulders in the dark. "Well they know I can't afford to go on my own."

"What do you want to go to school for?"

"Veterinary medicine. I love animals. I have two dogs. I rescued them from a shelter a couple of years ago."

"What are their names?"

"Harley and Sadie. Sadie's my girl, man. She's a total sweetheart. Not a mean bone in her body. And Harley’s just a big goof ball." Jared paused for a moment and Jensen heard him take in a deep breath before saying, "I miss them."

Jensen felt something clench tight in his chest at the tone of Jared's voice. He sounded so small, so young and sad. He hated hearing him like that. "I love animals, too. I grew up on a ranch."

Jared turned to look at him. "You have horses?"

"Yeah. Lots of ‘em."

Jared's large frame shifted in his bed as he turned to face Jensen. "That's so cool! I've always wanted to go horseback riding."

Jensen was shocked. "You've never ridden a horse?"

Jared shook his head. "Nope. Never got the chance."

"Well, that just won’t do. We'll have to go riding then. There's nothing like it, man. You'll love it. I know you will. I've been riding my whole life. I'll teach you."

He could see Jared smiling and heard him whisper, "You will?"

Jensen grinned at the thought of Jared on the ranch back home. "Sure I will," he said, "We'll take the horses out with a couple of packs and camp out, like real cowboys."

Jared beamed at that. Jensen felt his stomach flip flop at the sight and a sense of nervous excitement wash over him, making his body tingle all over.

"That would be awesome," Jared whispered deliberately, and Jensen watched as he rolled over onto his back to look at the ceiling again.

Jensen continued to watch him until Jared's eyes slowly drifted shut.

He felt the same flip flopping sensation once more as he thought about having Jared there, back home on his ranch, which was strange because he’d most likely not see Jared again, once he was transferred. He felt a sudden wave of sadness at the thought and the feeling surprised him.

He hadn't met anyone else that he’d really wanted to keep in touch with after his mission was over, and now, here he was imagining showing Jared around the ranch. He wanted to show him his favorite horse, a gelding his dad had bought him for his sixteenth birthday. He wanted to teach Jared how to ride.

That was definitely new.   


  
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They spent the next day helping a Church member move onto her new house. Helping members move was a common occurrence. So much so, that the Elders had started referring to themselves as the Mormon Missionary Moving Company. An hour in and they were all sweating like pigs. Jensen had to admit it sucked.

This was the fourth Church member that he helped move in the year since he’d been on his mission. It was always a work out but it was worse this time because of the heat. Arizona summers where known for going as hot as 130 degrees. On that day it was only 103 which was plenty hot enough, thank you very much, but despite the sun beating down on them, Jared actually seemed to be enjoying himself.

“It feels good to do something besides knocking on doors,” Jared said, a wide grin on his face.

Jensen scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Just wait until you have to do this four more times. Then come to me and tell me how much fun you’re having.” Jared just laughed and Jensen had to admit that he really kind of liked Jared’s smile. He loved when he could make Jared laugh, and found himself looking for ways to bring out the younger boy’s dimples. And he was unable to hide his own smile when he noticed how Jared’s eyes seemed to light up every time their gazes met.

Jared was a good-looking guy. Taller than Jensen, with broad shoulders and an athletic build, all lean muscle and firm abs. But Jensen wasn’t the only one who noticed. He wasn’t surprised when the two teenage daughters of the woman they were helping seemed to hang on Jared’s every word, and Jensen caught them staring avidly when Jared bent over to lift several boxes at once. He watched as they flirted, as they laughed and smiled, and Jared laughed and smiled right back.

Jensen ignored the stab of jealousy he felt every time Jared grinned at them. It was only because he was so used to having Jared’s undivided attention. The fact that he didn’t want to share him was only because he liked the guy. Really. Jared was just a very likeable person.

 

They were in the kitchen taking a water break when Jared launched into another story about his crazy best friend, Chad, who his mother didn’t like because he always managed to get them into trouble.

”So he takes these water balloons and chases them down the driveway...” he was saying, but Jensen seemed to miss the rest of the story when Jared tugged on his tie, loosening it and pulling his collar open. He could see the heavy drops of sweat that were running down the younger man’s neck, pooling in his collar bone.

Jensen was pulled out of his trance by Jared and Tom’s booming laughter. He forced out an awkward laugh of his own, as if he had actually heard the punch line, before gulping down a large drink of water to distract himself.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
By the time they made it back to the apartment, they were all exhausted and Jensen’s back ached where he felt like he pulled a muscle. Jared seemed to be suffering as well. Jensen followed him into their bedroom and watched as he arched, twisting to crack his back, and moaning obscenely as he collapsed onto his bed.

“I must be more out of shape than I thought cause I am dying here. My back is killing me,” Jared mumbled into his pillow.

Jensen just chuckled. “Mine is too. I told you it wasn’t any fun, but you didn’t listen.”

“Shut up,” Jared grumbled as he forced himself to sit up to remove his shirt and tie. Jensen did the same and snickered again at Jared’s groan of pain as he tried to massage away the tension in his lower back.

“Let me do that,” Jensen said as he climbed onto Jared’s bed and moved to sit behind him.

Before he could even touch him though, Jared pulled away, shaking his head. “No... no, you don’t have to.”

Jensen reached out to grab Jared’s wrist before he could go too far. “It’s ok,” he said, as he pulled him back. “I don’t mind.”

Jared wavered there, debating, and when he finally settled himself on the bed in front of Jensen it seemed to be against his better judgment. Jensen didn’t understand what the big deal was. It was just a back rub, right? It was totally innocent. He ignored the tiny voice whispering in the back of his head that it really wasn’t and pulled Jared closer as he tried to find a comfortable position for his legs. He gave up eventually and let them to drop on either side of Jared’s hips. Leaning back against the wall, he reached for Jared’s shoulders as he said, “I used to do this all the time for my dad after he worked in the stables.” He pulled Jared closer and said softly, “Just relax,” as he gently began to massage away the tension in the younger man’s muscles.

Jared sighed when he worked his thumbs in tiny, deep circles between his shoulder blades, before moving up his spine to his neck. He rubbed all the way down to the small of Jared’s back and felt Jared’s hand grab at his foot when he pressed on a particularly sore spot.

Jared’s skin was warm under his fingers and Jensen could feel him slowly relaxing as he pressed with his thumbs, rubbing his way back up his spine.

Jared groaned and Jensen flushed at the sound, suddenly completely aware of the younger man’s position between his legs and the heat that seemed to be coming off him in waves. Unconsciously, he scooted in closer and began to rub at Jared’s neck. He watched in fascination at the way Jared’s head fell back and his mouth dropped open. Jared’s weight settled back against him until they were pressed back to chest and Jensen moved his thumbs from the center of Jared’s neck to the sides, paying special attention to where his neck met his shoulders.

Jared groaned again and the flash of heat that rushed through Jensen’s body had him inhaling in an attempt to control his breathing. His heart was pounding in his chest and it shouldn’t feel this good. He shouldn’t be enjoying the way Jared’s body felt against his, but he was; and from the increasing bulge in Jared’s pants, he wasn’t the only one enjoying it.

Jensen felt lightheaded from the sudden rush of blood flow south. His fingers stopped moving, tightening their hold on Jared’s shoulders as he dropped his head and fought to control the nearly overwhelming surge of _want_ , like nothing he’d ever experienced before. He bit his lip and reminded himself that it would _not_ be a good idea to pull Jared back and rub his rapidly hardening cock against his ass.

“Jared...” Jensen murmured, pushing the word out hard like it hurt, and felt Jared stiffen in his hold. Jensen felt him trying to pull away and forced himself to let go of his near desperate grip on the other man’s shoulders as Jared jerked almost violently out of his grasp.

Jared slid across the bed, away from him like he was on fire, and Jensen stared up at him as he stood and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I’m... I’m sorry,” Jared stammered, wiping his hands on his pants in a nervous gesture that only managed to draw more attention to his obvious arousal. His eyes darted in panic between Jensen and the door.

He looked like he wanted to bolt but then realized he had nowhere to go. Letting out a heavy sigh, he just buried his face in his hands and turned away from Jensen, refusing to look at him.

Jensen sat frozen, staring at Jared’s bare back, and completely dumfounded as to what to say or do. He’d never been in a situation like this before and it felt like he was lost at sea without a life vest. Heart beating in his chest like a drum, Jensen cleared his throat and forced himself to speak. All that came out was, “Jared...”

Jared’s back was still turned and Jensen heard him curse under his breath. “I’m sorry,” he sputtered, his voice muffled by his hands.

“Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s ok,” Jensen said as he climbed off the bed, trying to sound more confident than he felt. But Jared just shook his head, and when he finally turned to look at Jensen, his eyes were red rimmed. He looked terrified.

“I’m so sorry, Jensen,” he said earnestly, eyes pleading. “The last thing I wanted to do was make you uncomfortable.”

Taking a deep breath, Jensen stopped him with a raised hand. “Jared, listen. You don’t have to apologize. I mean...you’re not exactly the only one here...” He gestured awkwardly at his own groin area before adjusting himself in his pants. Jared’s eyes followed the movement, growing wide as realization hit him.

Jensen cleared his throat and stared at the wall, resolutely _not_ looking at Jared, but he could feel his eyes on him as keenly as the burning flush in his own cheeks.

Doing his best to calm his still racing heart, Jensen forced himself to raise his eyes, only to find the other man staring openly at him. The look on his face was one part confusion, and one part amazement.

“What?” Jensen asked, briskly. “It’s nothing, right? I mean, it’s not that big of a deal...” But even he knew he didn’t sound convinced.

He needed Jared to tell him everything was going to be all right, that this kind of thing happened all the time. That it really was no big deal and didn’t mean anything, even though he knew, deep down, that wasn’t true.

When Jared only continued to stare, Jensen grew more and more anxious. “C’mon. It’s...it’s not like this happens all the time, right?”

That got a reaction, but it wasn’t the one he was looking for. Jared’s eyes dropped to the floor, looking distinctly guilty, before he turned away again and reached down for his shirt.

Jensen just stood there gaping as he put it on, trying to adjust to this new information. So... _not_ a new thing.

“Really?” he asked, as if Jared had actually given him an answer. Although in a way, he had.

Jared slid his shirt on and turned to look at Jensen, his expression so forlorn Jensen suddenly had the urge to hug him, to try to take the hurt away, but he didn’t and Jared remained silent.

While Jensen was nearly vibrating with emotion and energy, Jared seemed to be shutting down. He was looking at Jensen like he needed him to understand, without making him say the words.

But Jensen had to know. “How long?” he asked gently, and Jared’s eyes dropped to the floor again. For a moment, Jensen thought he wasn't going to get an answer, but then he heard the quietly uttered words.

“A long time.”

Jared still wouldn’t look at him as he took that in. _A long time_. Suddenly Jensen was really tired, and with a heavy sigh, he crossed the room and dropped down onto his bed. Jared followed his lead and sat down on his own bed, his eyes still trained firmly on the floor.

Jensen studied him, taking in the slump of his shoulders, the golden tint to his complexion, and the tan line around his collar from spending so much time out in the sun. As his eyes followed the strip of bare skin exposed by his gaping shirt, Jensen thought of how he’d felt when he had all that firm muscle under his hands. He remembered the way Jared had dropped his head back on his shoulder and groaned, renewing the heavy weight of arousal that coiled low in his belly and stirred his cock.

Now it was Jensen’s turn to bury his face in his hands.

 _They were both so screwed._  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Jensen slept hard that night, his dreams scattered and all over the place. He found himself back at the Church member’s house, helping her move, only it didn’t look like the same house. Strangely, the other Elders weren’t there, except Jared. Jensen was helping him move a dresser, and then suddenly they were in the kitchen and Jared was getting him water to drink. He was complaining how hot it was and Jensen watched, shocked, as Jared stripped off his shirt, urging Jensen to do the same. He hesitated at first before undoing his own shirt. Then suddenly, they weren’t in the house anymore. They were back at their apartment and they were kissing. Deep, passionate kisses that took Jensen’s breath away and made his knees weak. The thought that he shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be pulling Jared closer, never even occurred to him. It felt good, better than good.

He saw flashes of his girlfriend, Katie, and for a second he compared her kisses to Jared’s. He thought about how strange it was to have to tilt his head _up_ to be kissed. He contrasted Katie’s smaller form to Jared’s broad shoulders and solid muscles.

He let Jared push him against the kitchen table, his large hands moving over the bare skin of his back. Jensen’s cock was hard and aching when he reined Jared in until their bodies were flush. His fingers wound though Jared’s hair, pulling him impossibly closer as the kiss intensified and then abruptly he was awake.

Jensen stared at the ceiling, his heart racing. It was _so_ real. He could still feel the vivid sensation of Jared’s lips against his. Jensen closed his eyes and tried not to think about how good it had felt. His cock was full and heavy in his shorts and it took everything in him to resist the temptation to relieve the pressure.

His chest ached and he palmed his tired face, wiping sweat from his brow as he cast a look over at Jared, asleep in his own bed.

Kissing Katie had never felt like that. It was nice and he’d always enjoyed it, but he’d never had that fire in his veins. He’d never felt like he was coming apart and being pulled back together into a completely different shape by a force he had no control over, the way he had in his dream; and he wondered if that’s what kissing Jared would really feel like.

The sun was just starting to come up and Jensen could see the slow rise and fall of Jared’s chest as he slept. He studied Jared’s face, the arch of his eyebrows, the soft flutter of his lashes, the tiny mole by his nose; and felt a surge of warmth so deep it nearly took his breath away.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
The next day, Chris was in a really good mood, and Jensen watched with a small smile as he bounced around the room.

“Only two more days and then it’s P-day!” Chris exclaimed as he pounced on Tom’s back and ruffled his hair. Tom smacked him and scowled before running his fingers through his tousled mane in an attempt to straighten it.

“Watch the hair, man!”

Jensen laughed at Tom’s irritation and turned back to his reflection in the mirror. He was trying to fix his tie but he could never get the damned thing to look right.

“I told you, you need to stop untying them all the way,” Jared said as he tugged on Jensen’s shoulder, turning him around.

Jensen looked up at Jared as his fingers moved surely, arranging the knot to his satisfaction. Jared’s mouth was in a tight frown, his anxiousness palpable. Jensen knew why; he was just as uncomfortable.

Clearing his throat, he said, voice low, “We have to be at the Reynolds’ by eleven. We need to go over what we’re going to say.”

Jared nodded as he silently finished fiddling with Jensen’s tie, before walking into their bedroom.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
The pamphlet was called _God Loveth His Children_ and was distributed to members of The Church who struggled with “same sex attraction.” It was meant to help them learn how to deal with it. Jensen had never read it, and was afraid to ask Jared if he had.

They sat on the floor between their beds, legs stretched out side-by-side as they silently read through their copies.

 _“You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection,”_ the pamphlet stated. It went on to say that gay members could continue to enjoy full membership in The Church as long as they didn’t act on their same-sex attractions. _“For He has declared that all sexual relations outside of marriage are unacceptable.”_  
 _"Attractions alone do not make you unworthy,”_ Jensen read. _“If you avoid immoral thoughts and actions, you have not transgressed even if you feel such an attraction. True happiness comes from self-control and self-respect.”_  
He read on: _“As we follow Heavenly Father’s plan, our bodies, feelings, and desires, will be perfected in the next life, so that every one of God’s children may find joy in a family consisting of a husband, a wife, and children.”_

Jensen couldn’t believe he’d never given thought to this before. Of course gay members of The Church were expected to remain forever celibate. Sex outside of marriage was considered a sin, and The Church would never recognize a marriage between a gay couple.

Jensen couldn’t imagine going his entire life without ever being able to experience an intimate relationship. That was too much to expect from anyone. It didn’t make sense. The God he was raised to believe in would never be so cruel.

Horrified, Jensen dropped the pamphlet and looked up to find Jared watching him. The anguish in his eyes broke Jensen’s heart.

“You...you knew all this already, didn’t you?” Jensen asked, not able to keep his voice from cracking.

Jared only nodded, his eyes dropping to the floor between them.

Jensen was quiet for while, taking this in, before he finally spoke, “Before... you said a long time.” He swallowed, his throat dry. “How long is a long time?”

“Since I was 14.”

Jared still wasn’t looking at him, and Jensen thought about how many years it had been since Jared was 14.

He cleared his throat again and said softly, “That’s a long time.”

They are both silent for a long, drawn-out moment. Jensen didn’t know what to say. All he knew was, that what he felt for Jared, what they _both_ felt for each other, was wrong and it could never happen. And now they had to go to a 17 year-old boy and tell him his feelings didn’t matter either. How the hell were they supposed to do that?   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
After it was over and they were back at their apartment, Jensen and Jared ignored Chris and Tom’s inquiries on how things went and headed straight to their room. Flopping down on his bed, Jensen clutched his pillow to his chest and sighed.

Their visit with the Reynolds had been the most awkward hour of his life and he was sure that Jared hadn’t faired any better. Jensen had felt like a fake, a sham actor being forced to read from a script that he hated.

They’d said their piece and watched as Mrs. Reynolds became nearly inconsolable when her son announced that he was already sleeping with his boyfriend, whom he loved, and had no intention of stopping.

They did what they were supposed to do, and left the family with brochures to Evergreen- a program sponsored by The Church that was used for reparative therapy.

Jensen wasn’t sure how long he lay there, the only sound the _whoosh whoosh_ of the ceiling fan overhead, before Jared said, “That stuff doesn’t work.”

Lifting his head, Jensen looked over at Jared, sprawled out on his own bed. “What stuff?”

“The reparative therapy.”

“It doesn’t? How do you know?”

“Because I’ve been there.”

Jensen sat up to look over at him. “Really?”

Jared turned, and when he did, Jensen could see the tears in his eyes. “They tell you that you can be cured. That your feelings will go away. That God will take them away, but he doesn’t. They don’t go away.”

Jared was crying openly now, deep, shaking sobs, and Jensen did the only thing he could think of. He climbed out of his bed and went to sit next to Jared, who threw a hand up to hide his face. Jensen sat silently, letting him get it out.

When he finally pulled his hand away, Jensen reached for a tissue on the nightstand and handed it to him. Jared blew his nose noisily and sighed, his eyes red and puffy.

Jensen had so much he wanted to ask, but he wasn’t about to push Jared to talk about something was going to upset him, so they sat silently on the bed next to each other until Jared finally spoke.

“I was 14. My...my parents found out...and they sent me to one of those places. It...it was hell.” He took a deep breath and continued, “I was there for two months. The only reason they let me come home is cause I told them what they wanted to hear. They actually think this can be cured, but it can’t. It’s not a sickness, ya know? It’s...it’s just how I am.”

Jensen nodded, understanding, and Jared swiped a hand across his face again. He was shaking and without thinking, Jensen wrapped his arm around the younger man’s shoulders and pulled him into his side.

He meant the gesture to be comforting, but it only seemed to make things worse as Jared’s sobbing increased. But Jared didn’t pull away. He simply leaned into Jensen’s embrace and closed his eyes.

Jensen pressed his cheek to the side of Jared’s head. He had no idea what to say, his mind a jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings.

Jared’s words hung in the air around them, the air thick with emotion when they heard a harsh knock and their bedroom door swung open.

Jared jerked in his arms and Jensen looked up to see Tom staring at them, his expression unreadable.

Jared quickly pulled away from Jensen and stood up. He wiped frantically at his eyes before reaching for another tissue.

Jensen stood, trying to act casual. “What’s up?”

He could tell Tom wanted to question what was going on, but he only said, “Uh...we’re heading back out. Want us to drop you somewhere?”

Jensen nodded uncomfortably and glanced at Jared, who was standing in front of the window, his arms crossed over his chest, his back to the room.

Turning back to Tom, Jensen asked, “Give us a minute?”

Tom nodded, his eyes falling on Jared, before silently leaving the room and pulling the door closed behind him.

They were supposed to go back out tracting, and Jensen sighed tiredly at the thought. He really wasn’t feeling up to it, but they didn’t have a choice. They didn’t have a choice about a lot of things.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
An hour later and Jensen's feet were aching. They always ached for a while at first. He just had to walk through the pain and eventually it would go away, his feet growing numb to the pounding.

Jared was walking ahead of him. He wasn't wearing his suit coat. They hadn't bothered bringing them with them for a couple of weeks now. It was just too damn hot and Jensen pulled on his collar in an attempt to give himself some room to breathe.

He was following Jared up a row of stairs when he was presented with a perfect view of Jared's ass. His slacks were hanging loosely off his hips and Jensen found himself mesmerized by the movement of muscles and the shifting of fabric. He let his eyes wander up Jared's back, took in the stretch of material over broad shoulders. The heat had plastered the crisp white shirt to Jared's skin, right between his shoulder blades.

As they came to the top landing and were approaching the door, Jensen felt the nearly irrepressible urge to just step closer to Jared, to run his hands up across his back and over those wide shoulders just to feel the hard muscle underneath.

He shook himself from his thoughts, pushing them away, and ignored the heat that pooled in his belly as Jared’s shoulder brushed his own.

Jared rang the doorbell and they waited silently for a moment before Jared was smiling and poking Jensen in the side with his elbow.

“You hear that?”

Jensen trained his ear towards the door in front of him to heard voices coming from inside. The door still hadn't opened when Jared jabbed Jensen in his side again and nodded towards a tall, thin window just left of the door. It was covered by a curtain but it was open in the middle, giving a clear view into the house.

Inside, Jensen could see a man sitting in a recliner, watching TV. Jared rang the bell again.

"Should I get it?" Jensen heard a woman say through the door.

"No. Damned Mormons. Don't answer and they'll go away."

Jensen couldn't suppress a chuckle and Jared laughed as well when they heard they heard the man ask, "Are they still out there?"

Jared grinned as he rang the bell again. A moment later they heard through the door: "I hope the pizza guy doesn't come while they're out there."

They both burst out laughing.

He wasn't surprised. He had seen similar reactions from lots of people since he'd gotten here. Sometimes people made excuses as they were walking away and some just pretended that they weren’t even there. Others stopped with the sole purpose of arguing or attempting to prove them wrong.

Different people had asked him why they continued to talk to all these individuals who obviously weren't interested and Jensen always told them that each day, without fail, they found at least one person who had the desire to hear more. And that one person made the whole day of rejection worth it.

In fact, they spent most of yesterday morning speaking to a young woman who invited them in and seemed genuinely interested in learning more. She asked questions and really seemed to be open to hearing their answers. It was a good morning and they made an appointment to go back and speak to her again on a later date.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Jared was talking animatedly as they made their way home that night. He was smiling brightly as he told Jensen stories about his little sister and Jensen couldn’t help emulating his grin. They bumped shoulders and Jared's smile turned wistful as they gazed at each other for a moment in silence. Jensen was having trouble reading him then, which was odd because usually Jared's feelings were written all over his face. Now, it was like he was completely closed off.

He didn’t like the idea of Jared pulling away from him, but maybe it was for the best. This _thing_ between them was wrong. And besides, transfers were coming soon, and they both knew that there was a good chance that Jensen might be moving on. Maybe Jared was trying to protect himself by taking a step back in the hopes of making the separation as painless as possible.

Jensen tried not to think about the possibility that he might be moving on. Every time he did he felt an almost overwhelming sense of grief and loss. He had made friends before with his other companions and it was always hard to say goodbye, but what he felt for Jared was different. It was stronger than mere friendship and that was what scared him the most. The way Jared made him feel just by being close, just by being himself, was the way he should have been feeling about Katie since they started going out.

He didn't like the idea of being away from Jared, wanted to be with him all the time.  
He had never felt that way with Katie. In fact, when he found out the date that he would be leaving for his mission, the thought that he would have to leave her behind, hadn't even crossed his mind until she reminded him.

Jared looked like he wanted to say something. Jensen could tell from the hunch in his shoulders and the way he cocked his head, glancing over at him out the corner of his eye.

"Hey!"

Jensen and Jared both startled and looked up to see the same gang of boys they had run into on Jared's first day out tracting.

 _Damn it._

All of Jensen’s focus had been so wrapped up in Jared he hadn’t even noticed which direction they were walking.

He recognized the leader. He was walking ahead of the rest of them and he didn't look happy.

"I thought we told you to get the fuck out of our neighborhood,” the boy snapped, and Jensen took a step closer to Jared.

This was his fault. He was the senior companion. He was more familiar with the city. Jared still got lost easily and relied on Jensen to get them where they were going and back again. It was his responsibility to get them home safe.

"We're sorry. We didn't mean to come this way. We'll leave."

Jensen grabbed a hold of Jared's arm and spun him around only to find their escape blocked by two more boys standing behind them. They turned back to find the rest of the gang had stepped much closer as well.

"You should have listened,” the leader growled at them before his arm shot out and he shoved Jared, who stumbled backwards into Jensen.

Without thinking, Jensen stepped in front of Jared and said, "We really don't want any trouble..."

"What's the matter? Don't want me touching your boyfriend?"

Jensen saw a flash of teeth and a condescending smile only seconds before a fist smashed into his face. Momentarily stunned, he didn’t see the two behind them grab Jared. Then two others were manhandling Jensen, pulling his arms back and holding him immobile while their leader punched him hard in the stomach.

Jensen dropped to his knees after a fist connected with his face again and he could hear Jared yelling.

 _Jared..._

Jensen took another hit to the face as a hand gripped his hair, pulling his head back. The leader was towering over him, and Jensen’s eyes widened when he saw the knife.

The leader was bouncing on the balls of his feet and he looked absolutely gleeful when he said, "Need to learn. Fuckin’ faggots need to learn."

Oh God, this was it. He knew what was coming next and wondered fleetingly how bad it would hurt.

 _Jared..._

What about Jared? He had to see, had to look. He almost hoped Jared was unconscious so he wouldn't have to witness this. Jensen tried to locate him though the haze of throbbing pain, his vision obscured by blood.

But Jared wasn't unconscious. Suddenly he was there, throwing himself at the leader who was swinging his arm back to make the fatal blow.

Jensen watched in horror as Jared grappled with his attacker. Their bodies tumbled towards the concrete while Jensen was pulled backwards and kicked once in the abdomen before being dropped to the ground.

Jared wrestled with the leader, his fists flying. He managed to land a few good hits before he was grabbed from behind. Jensen screamed when he saw the leader’s arm shoot out, knife pointed at Jared who tried desperately to pull himself away. Jared threw his body to the side at the last second before the leader collapsed on top of him.

Jensen struggled against the kid who had hung back to keep him down, fear, terror, and anger fueling him on.

He stopped when he heard sirens approaching and turned to find Jared’s assailants standing up. They obviously heard the sirens too and abandoned the assault.

The gang was pulling their last guy to his feet and stumbling away when Jensen dropped to his knees next to Jared. His own pain forgotten as he took in his friend’s still form lying on the ground in front of him. Jared was hunched over in a fetal position and Jensen's hands trembled when he touched him.

He rolled Jared over and Jensen’s eyes immediately went to the blood that was soaking through his companion’s white button-down shirt.

"Oh my God, Jared!" Jensen said, as he ran his eyes over the rest of Jared's body, looking for other injuries and finding none.

Jared groaned and his hands went to his wound, covering it.

"Jen..."

He looked like he was having trouble staying conscious and Jensen pressed down on the gash, which appeared to be off to the side, near his hip.

"You're going to be fine, Jared, You hear me? You’re going to be fine."

Jared’s eyelids began to flutter and Jensen dared to remove his hand from the wound to reach out for his face.

"Jared, c’mon! Stay awake!”

Before Jared could respond, a police car was pulling up next to them followed by an ambulance and a fire truck. Someone must have witnessed the attack and called the police.

 _Thank you, God._

Next thing he knew, he was being pulled back so the paramedics could work on Jared.

Jensen resisted when they tried to lead him away.

"Jared..." he called out, as a policeman ushered him in the other direction.

"They're taking care of him." the officer said as he lead Jensen towards the fireman. Someone began poking and prodding at his injuries but all Jensen could do was think about Jared.

He had to be ok...

A fireman nudged his side and a burst of pain shot across his chest. His ribs. They didn't feel broken though, probably just badly bruised.

The paramedics were loading Jared onto a stretcher and Jensen immediately tried to move away from the ones holding him. "I want to go with him."

"You need to let us look at you," a fireman said but Jensen ignored him. He was watching Jared, who appeared to be unconscious now, being loaded into the ambulance.

"Please..." Jensen said, "Please, I have to be with him. We can't be apart." Jensen choked back tears as he pleaded with them to let him go with Jared.

The fireman assessing his injuries finally agreed to let him go and Jensen gratefully climbed into the ambulance. His hand immediately sought Jared’s and he clutched it firmly the whole way to the hospital.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Jensen's ribs were bruised, he had a large cut above his left eye, and he would most likely have a black eye in the morning, but otherwise he was fine.

He spoke to the police and gave his report but no one could tell him why this gang of boys had attacked them the way they did. They said it could have been these kids were trying to impress older gang members and Jared and Jensen had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Meanwhile, Jensen had been sitting in the hospital waiting room for the past hour and a half with the Mission President, Chris, and Tom, waiting for news about Jared.

He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. Jared had saved his life, and he was grateful to be alive, but not if it meant Jared wouldn't be.

Jensen stood and started to pace the floor again until a nurse finally came out and told them they could go see him. With his heart in his stomach, Jensen followed the MP down a series of winding hallways to Jared's room. He was terrified of what he would find on the other side of the curtain, but hen it was finally pushed aside, Jensen breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Jared, not only awake, but alert.

The vestiges of panic must have shown on his face because he heard Jared ask, "Are you all right?"

Jensen choked out a half-laugh, half-sob. "Am _I_ all right?! I was scared to death man...Are _you_ all right?"

Jared smiled at him with that flash of dimples he had come to adore.

"I'm okay."

Then the doctor who Jensen hadn’t even noticed on the other side of the room, spoke. "He's a lucky young man. The knife only went through the flesh over his hip, didn't hit any major organs. He bled pretty bad and he needed some stitches, but he'll be fine."

It was like someone had opened a window and suddenly Jensen could breathe again. He moved on unsteady legs to stand next to Jared's bed and felt a nearly overwhelming urge to put his hands on him, to wrap him up in his arms and hold on tight. Since that was out of the question, he had to settle for pulling him in for a quick hug.

Jared chuckled, but couldn’t completely hide the wince when he reached up to put his arm around Jensen's neck, pulling the stitches in his side.

"You really had us scared, son," the MP, President Allen, said as he stepped to the other side of Jared's bed. "We're glad you're gonna be ok."

"I guess it was a close call. They said that if I hadn't pulled away when I did, the knife would have, no doubt, gone into my gut."

Jensen paled at the revelation and the memory of those horrible moments, when he had been so sure that was exactly what had happened.

"You're crazy," Jensen said fondly as he squeezed Jared's shoulder. Jared smiled up at him causing Jensen's heart to clench in his chest. "Seriously, man. I can't believe you did that."

Jared's expression turned serious as he looked up at Jensen.

"I couldn't let him hurt you."

Jared peered at him like he wanted to say something else, his eyes begging Jensen to understand, and he did. Jensen had to remind himself that they weren't alone and that now wasn't the time to get into it.

Brother Allen sighed, breaking the moment, "Well, you've been through a lot tonight, but you can relax now. You can go back to the apartment tonight. It will take us another day at least to get you a plane ticket home."

"What?" Jensen and Jared said in unison.

"Your ticket home. It will take us a day or two to get you one. So..."

"Wait," Jared said, interrupting him. "I have to go home?"

He sounded like he liked that idea about as much as Jensen did.

"Well," Brother Allen continued, looking confused. "I assumed you wouldn't want to stay after tonight."

Jensen's eyes darted to Jared, his heart caught in his throat as he waited for his response.

"Well, I do." Jared said, decisively and Jensen breathed yet another sigh of relief.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Jensen stood in the doorway to the bathroom watching Jared fuss with the bandage covering his wound. He was trying to remove the gauze, but it was sticking to his stitches and he hissed as it pulled on the sensitive skin.

"Here, let me do that," Jensen said as he stepped forward. He tugged lightly on Jared’s belt loop and dropped to sit down on the toilet lid, motioning for Jared to stand in front of him.

"Um...take your shirt off," he said, his mouth going dry as Jared pulled the thin cotton up and off, dropping it onto the floor.

Jensen couldn't stop his eyes from drifting over the smooth expanse of Jared's naked torso. Forcing himself to focus, he lowered his eyes and reached for the bandage, peeling the tape away before gently removing the rest of it.

The small bathroom was quiet, and Jensen took a deep breath as he ran some warm water over a rag. His heart was beating so hard he was surprised Jared couldn't hear it.

He could feel Jared's eyes on him as he gingerly wiped the rag across the wound, the long gash reminding Jensen of just how close he came to losing him.

"What's wrong?" Jared’s voice was soft as he dropped his hand to rest lightly in Jensen’s hair. Jensen let out a deep, shuddering breath and shook his head. He couldn't bring himself to look at Jared so he simply concentrated on taping a fresh gauze over the wound.

"Jen..."

Jensen sighed.

"You're supposed to call me Elder," he whispered against Jared’s chest. When he glanced up at Jared's face, he registered his look of concern.

"I just don't know what I would have done if..." he sighed heavily again and shook his head in exasperation.

"Jensen, I'm fine."

"But you could've...I just...I can't..."

Unable to speak the words, Jensen let out a frustrated breath.

He felt Jared's hands settle on his shoulders in an attempt to sooth. Jensen's own hands were shaking and he reached out, taking a hold of Jared's hips in an attempt to steady himself. His fingers dug into Jared's waistband, his head dropped forward to rest against Jared’s stomach.

"I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't...I've never..."

"It's okay..."

Jensen jerked back, shaking his head.

"No...no, it's not okay."

He stood and tried to push past Jared to get to the door, but Jared grabbed his arm, preventing him from going very far.

"I don't know what I'm doing either," he said. "I just know that...I like you. A lot more than I should. And I tried to fight it but..." Jared stumbled on the words and let out a frustrated huff. "It doesn't...it just doesn't feel wrong."

Jensen raised his eyes to Jared's face. He knew what he should do. He should tell him no, that they couldn't do this, that he _wouldn't_ do this. But Jared was right. The way Jared made him feel didn't feel wrong, so when Jared stepped closer, Jensen didn't stop him.

Jared's hand reached for his face, and Jensen's whole body was trembling with anticipation as a large palm cupped his cheek, tilting his face up.

Jared leaned in and rested his forehead against Jensen's, before breathing out quietly, "Can I?"

Jensen's nod was almost imperceptible, but Jared didn't miss it. When his lips touched Jensen's they were soft, gentle. The world tilted upside down, and when Jensen's mouth parted on a shaky breath, he felt Jared's tongue dip inside, cautiously meeting his own.

Jared made a little noise in the back of his throat, which sent a jolt of heat straight into Jensen‘s gut. Both hands tightened on Jared’s hips and he was so lost in the sensation of Jared's lips against his own that it was impossible for him to think about all the reasons they shouldn't be doing this. He could only pull Jared closer and kiss him back, and it felt amazing...it felt perfect. It felt right.


	3. God Loveth His Children

Just like he did every Sunday, Jensen sat next to Jared during the sacrament meeting the next morning, only this time he was hyperaware of how close Jared was. The other boy’s body was a solid presence next to him in the pew. Jared’s knee was only inches away from his, and Jensen could feel his arm pressed lightly against his own.

Jensen kept replaying the moment over and over again in his mind, the moment Jared’s lips met his own, and the way it had felt. He could still feel the way his body had trembled and his skin had flushed at their first brush of lips.

Tom and Chris were saying the prayer, reciting the blessing over the bread and water. But instead of following along, Jensen was thinking about how for the first time in a long time, he didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be back at their tiny apartment, back in their bedroom learning the taste of Jared’s mouth. His stomach soured at the thought. How could he be sitting here in God’s house and still feel this overwhelming sense of want for another man? His mind was full of conflicting emotions: how right it felt, how much he wanted to do it again, and how wrong it was. He thought of how disappointed his parents would be in him and about how he let God down.

Sitting in the pew, Jared on his right, Kyle Reynolds on his left, Jensen felt like a total failure—a fake, a liar.

Kyle’s mother had pulled them aside before the service and asked if he and Jared would be willing to visit again. She wanted them to try and persuade her son into considering a reparative therapy group home, and Jensen had heard himself answering yes, of course they would, like there was no reason in the world why they shouldn’t.

And now it was time to receive the sacrament, even though he was no longer worthy of its blessings.

The sacrament was a sacred thing. It was a symbol of a person’s commitment to following Christ, and to obeying his laws. All of them, not just the ones that were convenient.

Under normal circumstances, if a person had transgressed, if he had broken one or more of God’s laws like Jensen had, he would go to the Bishop and confess. He would repent and he wouldn’t be able to take the sacrament, not until he felt worthy again.

But Jensen couldn’t do that. He had to take the sacrament, otherwise everyone would know. He would be questioned, and he couldn’t lie. However, part of him wanted to come clean, confess his sin, and seek forgiveness. But if he did, he and Jared would definitely be separated. There was no way they would allow them to remain companions, and Jensen didn’t want to lose him.

And the bottom line was, in order to repent, he’d have to regret what he’d done, and he didn’t. He wasn’t sorry, not really, and he was sure that if given the chance, he would do it again.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Jared sat silently as the bread made its way down the pew towards them. He watched as Kyle’s parents passed the plate directly to Jensen, bypassing their son completely. Jensen’s shoulders stiffened as he reached for the plate and he held his body rigid as he picked a piece of bread. Jensen refused to meet his eyes as Jared took the bread from him and selected his own piece.

He tried not to think about what it meant as he popped the bread into his mouth and swallowed. It got caught in his throat and he coughed and caught Jensen’s furtive glance of concern.

Jared was used to the guilt that made his chest tighten and his stomach lurch before he could shove it down. It was a feeling he was all too familiar with. Only the guilt this time was different than what he always felt before, because this time it wasn’t tinged with remorse and the sense of self-hatred that usually accompanied it.

Kissing Jensen had felt right and he didn’t think he would ever regret it, and that’s what scared him the most.

 

They had been teaching Sharon for about four weeks when she made the decision to be baptized into The Church that Sunday. Jensen had agreed to be the one to baptize her and Jared watched silently as he stepped into the room, dressed completely in white from head to toe. A hush fell over the room as Jensen and Sharon both climbed down into the font, Sharon’s white dress billowing out around her in the warm water.

Once they were in position, Jensen recited the prayer as Sharon’s friends and family, as well as their fellow Church members, looked on happily. Then he dipped Sharon back into the water before lifting her up again.

Jared was mesmerized by the white cloth of Jensen’s shirt as the water rolled over his chest, making the fabric cling to his skin. His eyes followed Jensen as he climbed out of the water, the soaked material of his pants clinging to his ass, making Jared’s mouth go dry, and his whole body flush at the sight.

Now _so_ wasn’t the time to get hard, Jared reminded himself as he watched Jensen disappear into the men’s room. Willing away his untimely erections had been hard enough before Jensen knew how he felt about him, but ever since he discovered Jensen felt the same, it was like he had no control over his body anymore. He felt like a school boy who got hard over the slightest change in the wind, and the thought of Jensen in the bathroom stripping wasn’t helping the situation.

When Jared made it to the restroom, Jensen was in the handicap stall changing out of his clothes. Jared could hear the slap of the wet material hitting the floor and without thinking, he crossed the room and pushed open the stall door, catching Jensen by surprise.

Dressed only in his sodden boxers, Jensen gaped at him from across the stall and shook his head. “You shouldn’t be here,” he said, as Jared stepped closer.

Jared only nodded, his eyes taking in the sight of all that naked skin. Jensen’s boxers clung tight in all the right places and Jared had trouble thinking over the sound of his racing heart as he took another step closer.

Jensen shook his head again but he wasn’t backing away. His arm shot out behind him to grab at the wall to steady himself as Jared advanced on him.

“We can’t,” Jensen said, only his body didn’t seem to agree. He swayed towards him when Jared reached for him, sliding his hands down over Jensen’s shoulders, over his arms, watching as goose bumps rose at the touch.

Jared’s large palms trailed up and down Jensen’s arms in a soft caress, soothing as he stepped in until their bodies were nearly flush and Jensen let out a shivering breath.

 _He’s so close, and he wants...God he wants..._

“We shouldn’t,” Jensen whispered faintly as Jared’s hands moved up to cup his face.

“Tell me to stop,” Jared breathed out hot against Jensen’s mouth, his thumbs gently brushing Jensen’s cheekbones. “Tell me you don’t want this.”

Jensen’s eyes slid shut as Jared’s lips swept lightly over his, teasing.

“This is wrong.” Jensen’s voice was rough with emotion but he didn’t move away.

Jared brushed their lips together once more.

“Tell me.”

But Jensen didn’t tell him to stop. He didn’t push him away. His lips were warm and parted when he pressed closer to Jared to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around Jared’s back as their mouths slid together, tongues tasting, exploring, until they were both heady from the sensations.

Their kissing was decadent, almost languid, like they had all the time in the world.

Jared savored every slow moment until finally, they simply stood there, bodies pressed close and breathing each other’s air.

The sound of the outside door opening forced them apart and back to reality.

Jared abruptly pulled back and strode to the opposite side of the stall in an attempt to put some space between them.

“What do you mean you told him?” It was Chris’ voice and he sounded pissed.

Neither Chris or Tom seemed to realize they weren’t alone. Jared wasn’t even breathing for fear of being heard. He just stood, back pressed to the wall, and listened.

“I just told him the truth,” Tom answered.

“What? Why?” Chris exclaimed.

“Because I had to! He asked and I wasn’t going to lie.”

“You could have, just this once.”

“No. I told you to stop with the flirting and taking off on me, but you didn’t listen. You’re the one who chose to break the rules. So don’t blame me. I told you I wasn’t going to lie for you.”

Jared heard what sounded like a fist hitting the counter.

“Hey,” Tom again. “Calm down. What’d the Bishop say?”

He heard Chris sigh heavily. “I’m on probation until further notice. So I guess its shape up or ship out.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“It’s not like I have much choice. I sure as hell don’t wanna face getting sent home. Jesus, Tom. Why’d you have to be such a tight ass about the rules?”

“Language, _Elder_. And I know I have a tight ass, but I didn’t know you swung that way."

There was a loaded pause before he heard Kane laugh, releasing the tension. By the time he heard them filing out of the restroom, they seemed to have made up.

Jensen was leaning against the back wall for support and when his eyes met Jared’s, he could still see the fear in them. That had been close. Too close, and Jared let out deep breath before pushing away from the wall. Jensen was leaning down to grab a dry pair of boxers when Jared said, “I should go.”

Jensen only nodded, his eyes on the floor as he clutched the dry underwear in his fist.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Jensen couldn’t sleep. His mind replayed over and over the feeling of Jared so close, the taste of his lips. He’d kissed a handful of girls over the years, but he never got the rush from kissing any of them like he did with Jared.

The room was dark; lit only by the streetlight outside the window. Jensen heard a soft sigh coming from the other bed and wondered what Jared was thinking about at that moment.

 _Is he thinking about me?_

His silent question was answered by the sound of rustling sheets and a muffled groan.

 _Oh God...is he..._

Heart pounding hard in his chest, he cracked open an eyelid to look over at the other bed.

Jared was on his back, the light just bright enough that Jensen could see he’d stripped off his t-shirt. His arm was draped over his head, hiding his face, his other hand under the sheet. Jensen could see the hand moving between Jared’s legs and his breath caught in his chest.

 _Oh God, he **is**..._

Jensen’s hips twitched, his cock hardening at the sound of another breathy groan escaping from under Jared’s arm.

Rolling onto his back, Jensen stared at the ceiling, his hand automatically dropping to squeeze his cock through the thin material of his boxers before sliding under the elastic.

The thought that Jared must know he could hear him sent a jolt of heat down his spine as he palmed his cock and dared another glance, only to find Jared looking back at him.

His eyes bright in the moonlight, Jared stared at Jensen’s hand under the sheet. He let out another throaty groan and another punch of arousal shot through Jensen as he started to pump his cock with long, slow strokes, the weight of it and the soft skin familiar in his hand.

He could feel Jared’s eyes on him like a physical weight and, _oh fuck_ , he was achingly hard now.

Jensen tightened his grip and looked over at Jared who’d kicked the sheet down, uncovering himself completely, not bothering to hide at all now. Their eyes met across the distance between their beds, neither able to look away. Jensen’s pulse pounded, throbbing in his dick as he shoved down the sheet and tugged it free from his boxers.

Jensen was terrified, excited; Jared was flushed and aroused, because of _him_. He was stroking himself as he watched Jensen’s hand and it was the hottest thing Jensen had ever witnessed in his life.

They both continued to watch, stroking nearly in time with each other, the only sound their panting breaths as Jensen twisted his wrist, flicked his thumb under the head. He watched as Jared sped up slightly and he knew the other boy was getting close. He could tell from the way his hips bucked helplessly into his hand and his stomach muscles tightened.

Jensen lifted his hips into his strokes and felt a jolt of sweet pleasure shoot through his system as his balls tightened. He sped up his hand, never taking his eyes off Jared as the other boy arched and let out an almost painful sounding groan as he came all over his stomach, the hot ropes of pearly white coating his chest.

Jensen couldn’t hold back the gasp that broke free at the sight of Jared coming all over himself. He could feel his own orgasm building low in his belly and quickened his strokes. The pressure mounted fast and every muscle in his body clenched tight as he came, his eyes squeezing shut with the intensity of it as he stroked himself though it.

Jensen collapsed back onto his bed, muscles still twitching from the aftershocks.

 _OhGod OhGod OhGod.._

He was a mess, come cooling on his stomach, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it when he felt something soft flutter across his torso.

He opened his eyes to see Jared standing over him. He’d dropped several tissues down onto Jensen’s chest, and with a small smile, he turned and walked back to his bed.

Jensen wiped the come off his stomach quickly and closed his eyes, his mind racing. He couldn’t believe they had just done that. He didn’t know what to do now. Should he say something? He was saved from his own thoughts by Jared’s soft words. “Night, Jen.”

 

The next morning Jensen woke to an empty room. Assuming Jared must be in the bathroom, he stretched and looked over at the other bed, memories of the previous night flooding his mind.

He still couldn’t believe what they had done. It was _so_ wrong, but _so_ good. He hadn’t come that hard or that fast in a long time, but instead of feeling guilty, his treacherous body was getting hard just thinking about it.

He groaned and pressed down on his cock. His bladder was full and it was a pain in the ass trying to piss with a hard on.

He was climbing out of his bed when Jared came back, slipping quietly into the room and closing the door behind him. He looked worried and Jensen felt like he should say something to reassure him, but he had no idea what that might be.

“I guess we should talk about last night,” Jared said, looking at him nervously.

Jensen nodded. “Give me a minute to use the bathroom.”

 

Jensen pissed and brushed his teeth and when he got back to the bedroom, he wasn’t surprised to find Jared pacing across the floor. Jensen shut the door quietly behind him, not wanting to wake the others since they still had another hour till their alarm went off.

“So...yeah, we should probably talk about last night,” Jensen said, fidgeting nervously. He expected Jared to agree. What he didn’t expect was for Jared to grab him and push him back against the wall.

The kiss was hard, demanding, and Jensen found himself opening for it instinctually, the press of Jared’s lips short circuiting all higher brain function. Jared’s hands pawed at his face as he licked into his mouth while Jensen’s arms circled Jared’s waist to pull him closer.

When they finally had to pull apart for air, Jensen panted, “I thought we were gonna talk.”

Jared shook his head and kissed him again, his tongue snaking inside to taste. When he pulled back to take another breath, Jared said between kisses, “Don’t wanna talk...wanna...”

His mouth covered Jensen’s again, hands roaming down over his chest to brush over his nipples. They were both still wearing only their boxers, and Jensen could feel the hard press of Jared’s cock against his hip.

His own cock was filling with every frantic beat of his heart and he gasped into Jared’s mouth when he grabbed Jensen’s hips and rubbed determinedly against him. They were lined up perfectly, with only the thin cloth of their boxers between them.

Jensen let his hands glide freely up over Jared’s abs to his chest as they ground their hips together, before twining his fingers in Jared’s hair to pull him closer, kiss him deeper. They were pressed together from chest to hips and any thought Jensen may have had was pushed aside by the glorious feel of Jared’s hands grabbing his backside and clutching him impossibly tighter.

Jared rubbed against him, large palms gripping his ass firmly through his briefs making Jensen groan into Jared’s mouth.

“Shhh...shhh,” Jared whispered between kisses and Jensen tried desperately to keep from rubbing himself against the other boy’s hip, finding it impossible. Jared’s hands shifted and came to rest at the front of his briefs.

“Let me...please...just wanna...”

Jared’s voice was husky with lust and Jensen’s brain was telling him no but his lips were saying yes. Then Jared’s hand was pushing past the tight elastic and wrapping around him and, _Oh Christ_ , no one had ever touched him like that before. Jared’s hand was bigger than his own and Jensen couldn’t help but buck his hips up into the grip.

Jared was rutting wildly against his hip even as his fingers stroked Jensen so agonizingly slow. Jensen whined and grabbed a hold of Jared’s shoulders before his hips jerked once, twice, and then he was coming, his whole body stiffening as his orgasm ripped through him.

Jared’s lips dropped to his neck and Jensen heard a muffled curse as his body jerked in Jensen's arms, groaning into his shoulder. The warm wetness of his release soaking through their briefs.

Jared removed his hand and they both clung to each other as Jensen’s breathing finally started to slow.

The guilt hit him hard and Jensen pushed lightly at Jared’s chest in a sudden need for some space.

“Jared...” he said, pushing at him again but Jared didn’t budge. Somewhere in the back of Jensen’s mind he knew he was supposed to be calling Jared _Elder_ , but right now that seemed like the least of their problems.

Jared’s shoulders started to shake and Jensen heard his hitching intake of breath.

“Jared...” he said again, voice soft, but this time he didn’t try to move away. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Jared’s waist and held him. A heavy weight in his chest gripped his heart and squeezed, making it hard to breathe, and he let his own head drop down on to Jared’s shoulder, defeated.

They stood there mutely, just holding each other for a long moment, before Jared finally pulled away. Jensen had the urge to drag him back again, but he just watched as Jared retreated and rubbed a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said finally, “But I just feel so much when I’m with you. And I knew if we talked about this... if we really stopped to think about what we...” He sucked in a shaky breath as he struggled for the words. “I didn’t want to think about it. I’m always thinking about it. All the freakin’ time, and I’m sick of it. And I...I want you, Jensen. I need...I...”

“I know.” Jensen nodded his head. He knew exactly how Jared felt. The ache in his chest was more than guilt. It was the realization that he _did_ want this. He wanted Jared. He wasn’t happy about it and he didn’t plan on it, but it was the truth. This was happening and they were in too deep to go back now.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

  
Dinner at the Gardner’s house was always great, and the conversation pleasant, but Jared still couldn’t wait to get out of there. They were there for over two hours and could only leave once Jared finished helping Mrs. Gardner with the clean up. Once he did, they bowed out gracefully, claiming to be exhausted after so much walking that day.

They had the car to themselves that night and were more than grateful for it. Every moment they spent around other people, the more anxious and paranoid they both got. It felt good to get out from under prying eyes, to not have to worry constantly about doing or saying something that might give them away.

Since they ended the evening early they managed to beat Chris and Tom home and after tossing their suit coats on the couch, Jared grabbed Jensen by his tie and dragged him closer.

Jensen grinned and let Jared pull him into their room, kicking the door closed behind them. No reason to take unnecessary chances.

The kiss was tender, gentle. Jared took his time, licking into Jensen’s mouth like he had all the time in the world, before he began tugging on the bottom of Jensen’s shirt.

“Too many clothes,” he grumbled. “Get these off.” He pulled Jensen’s shirt out of his pants and went for his belt buckle.

Jensen chuckled and pulled his shirt open the rest of the way while Jared yanked his belt open and tugged on his zipper.

They were kissing again, a slippery slide of lips and tongue, as Jared worked on his own shirt and walked Jensen backwards towards his bed. Both shirts were tossed to the floor, their pants following quickly after. Jared gave Jensen a gentle shove, and watched as he fell backwards onto the bed.

Jensen huffed out a breath and Jared grinned as he crawled onto the bed between Jensen’s legs. He palmed Jensen’s cock through his briefs, trailed kisses up over his stomach as Jensen dropped his head back, his hands moving to run through Jared’s hair.

“Mmm..” Jensen mumbled. Jared chuckled and mouthed over his collarbone as he slid his hand inside Jensen’s boxers, dragging them out of the way.

They really didn’t have much time, but Jensen was letting him, and Jared was unable to resist. One kiss from Jensen and it was like he was addicted. He couldn’t get enough. All thoughts of Church and the rules pushed aside at the taste of Jensen’s mouth.

He’d never felt anything so good, so right. He never dreamed he’d get to have this, so there was no way he was backing off. Even if it was just for a moment, he wanted to touch every bit of Jensen he could get his hands on. He loved the sounds Jensen made, the way he looked when he came, and the way he fit perfectly under his hands. He loved _Jensen_ , and now that he’d felt what it was like to have him, he never wanted to give him up.

Jared kissed up Jensen’s neck and cheek until he found his lips. His hand found Jensen’s erection, rigid against his belly, and started to stroke him. Jensen’s hips bucked and he whimpered when Jared’s thumb rubbed over the head, his stomach muscles quivering. He felt Jensen’s hands moving over his back, down to cup his ass.

“Can I?” Jensen asked breathily into Jared’s mouth and at first Jared didn’t know what he was asking for, until he felt Jensen’s fingers pushing on the edges of his briefs and realized.

“Oh fuck, yes,” he groaned and kissed Jensen fervently. He never wanted to pressure Jensen into doing anything he wasn’t ready to do, but he had been secretly dying to feel his hands on him.

Jensen’s hands pushed down under his boxers, palming his bare ass, and Jared reached down between them to tug on the front of his shorts, freeing his arousal so he could grind his hips down against Jensen, rubbing their cocks together, skin on skin.

Jensen’s hands gripped Jared’s ass tight, pulled him down harder against him, and moaned loud into his kiss.

“Oh dear God!”

The words managed to break through the haze of lust and he and Jensen both turned to see Tom and Chris standing in the doorway gaping at them.

Heart pounding, Jared pulled back as Tom disappeared from the door. Chris lingered, his mouth open in shock. “Well, shit.”

Jensen shoved Jared hard as he jumped out of the bed, pulling up his boxers then hiding his face in his hands.

Jared’s heart dropped and he felt sick as he pulled his boxers up to cover himself. This was _so_ not good.

He watched as Jensen grabbed his pants and shirt and pulled them on roughly as Jared climbed off the bed to retrieve his own clothes. Once Jensen was dressed, he started to pace, fingers threading anxiously through his hair, gripping and pulling at the short strands.

Chris was still standing in the doorway looking stunned as Jared buttoned his pants and watched Jensen miserably.

He should be scared. He should be horrified by getting caught and the consequences that were sure to follow, but right now he only felt numb. In a way he had been preparing for this moment for years. Maybe subconsciously he’d known he wouldn’t make it forever, that it was impossible. Maybe subconsciously he’d known that he and Jensen would end up here, and it was almost a relief. Almost.

Not knowing what to say, the only thing he could do was reach for Jensen, try to pull him into a hug, but as soon as his hand touched Jensen’s shoulder, Jensen’s wide, panic-filled eyes shot to Chris in the doorway and he jerked back out of Jared’s reach.

Jared knew it was just because they had an audience, but the rejection still hurt. Turning to Chris, he said softly, “Could you give us a minute?”

Chris still looked shell shocked, eyes darting between Jared and Jensen, but he nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Once they were alone, Jared reached for Jensen again. Jensen had his back to him, and this time, he didn’t pull away, but he didn’t come easily. Jared tugged on his shoulder but Jensen refused to move, his arms folded over his chest, his eyes trained resolutely on the floor.

Jared tried tugging again but when Jensen still wouldn’t budge, he gave up. Shoulders slumped, he said, “Jensen, please.”

Jensen simply wrapped his arms around himself and shook his head. His shoulders were tense and his breathing harsh.

“Please, Jensen. Look at me,” he said, voice cracking. “I’m sorry. I never should have."

“No. It’s not your fault. I...I wanted it,” Jensen said, finally meeting Jared’s gaze. He ran a hand through his hair again nervously when Jared took another step closer and cautiously reached out for him.

Jensen’s face crumpled as he moved into Jared’s arms. He fisted his hands in Jared’s shirt and hid his face in his chest. He was shaking and Jared strengthened his hold on him.

“It’s going to be ok,” Jared said, attempting to soothe.

Face still hidden, Jensen shook his head. “No. No...it won’t.”


	4. God Loveth His Children

Two days later they were packing. The Mission President had come and gone, having questioned them both separately. They were going home. Jensen had barely spoken to Jared in the two days since they got caught. He would hardly even look at him, leaving Jared heartbroken.

This was it. Their ride would be there in 20 minutes and Jared had given Jensen enough space. He couldn’t leave things, not like this.

“Will you at least say goodbye to me?”

Jensen slammed his suitcase shut, locking it, and shoved his hands into his pockets. He still wouldn’t face him, his eyes sinking to the floor along with Jared’s heart.

He already dreaded the thought of facing what was waiting for him back home, but having to confront it knowing that Jensen hated him, was more than he could endure.

“I don’t regret it,” Jared said softly and took a hesitant step towards Jensen. “Do you?” he asked, the crack in his voice betraying his fear.

When Jensen finally looked at him, there was pain etched on his face, marring his perfect visage.

Jensen’s eyes sought the floor once more and Jared’s heart pounded nearly out of his chest as he waited for his answer. Finally, Jensen gave a small shake of his head, so small in fact, that if Jared hadn’t been staring at him so intently, he might have missed it.

Hope swelling, Jared took a chance and closed the distance between them, pulling Jensen into his arms. For a moment he thought he was going to push him away, but after a second’s hesitation, he felt Jensen’s arms wrap tightly around his waist.

“I’m scared,” Jensen said quietly into Jared’s chest.

“Me too.”

And he was, terrified even. It was all really starting to sink in now. Their families had been notified about what happened, the reason why they were being sent home in shame. Jared felt sick now thinking about how they were going to react, the way they were going to look at him. He was sure Jensen was thinking the same. He had no idea how they were going to manage to get through this.

That’s how it went for several long minutes—both of them lost in their thoughts and beyond speech, simply content to hold each other. Jensen eventually pulled back and scrubbed a hand tiredly over his face. The front of his shirt was damp from Jensen’s tears and Jared had to suppress the sudden urge to pull the other man back into his arms. After having held himself in check for the last two days, the words wanted desperately to spill forth. But Jared just watched mutely as Jensen went back to his suitcase and stuffed the last of his socks in the pockets.

“Hey, you seen my scriptures?” Jensen asked, breaking the silence.

“Oh...yeah.” They were still on Jared’s bed and he handed them to Jensen wordlessly.

“How’d they get over there?”

“Oh...I...was just looking up something.” Jensen quirked an eyebrow at that and was about to inquire further when they were interrupted by a soft knock.

“Your ride’s here,” Chris said through the door.

Jensen picked up his bags to leave but Jared stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Wait,” he choked out, fingers gripping the material of Jensen’s jacket. “Don’t go. Not...not yet.”

Jensen’s expression softened as he gently pulled Jared’s hand away from his arm. He threaded his own fingers with Jared’s and stared down at their entwined hands.

“Can I...can I kiss you?”

He tugged Jensen by the hand, pulling him close. Jensen’s eyes slipped shut; he looked like he wanted to say yes but couldn’t bring himself to speak the words. Jared lifted his free hand to touch Jensen’s chin, tilting his face up to see him better.

When Jensen met his gaze, his normally bright green eyes were dim. He looked fragile, delicate, and Jared moved carefully, leaning down to press his mouth lightly to Jensen’s.

The first brush of their lips was nearly imperceptible and he felt Jensen’s lips part slightly with a sigh. Jared pressed in, covering Jensen’s mouth with his own, his tongue darting out gently to press at the seam of Jensen’s lips. Jensen made a desperate noise in the back of his throat before he was pushing forward and kissing Jared back.

The world seemed to drop away and all cares of his family, The Church, the rules, were gone for a brief moment. It was just Jensen and Jared and the slow glide of their tongues that set Jared’s body on fire with a burning need.

Jared cradled Jensen’s face in his palms while Jensen clenched the sides of Jared’s jacket hard in his fists. Jared pressed as close as he could get, well aware that this was all they had right now, just these last few minutes alone before the world pulled them apart.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jared’s mother picked him up from the airport. He was greeted with stony silence in contrast to the happy send off his family had given him just a few months ago.

The drive home was no better. Fraught with tension, his mother’s silent treatment was making him wish that she would just get the yelling over with.

When the barrage finally come, Jared was ready for it. It started in the living room, after his brother and sister excused themselves without saying a word to him, not even a hello.

“What were you thinking?!” his father snapped, his face red and his hands clenched into fists. “We thought you were over this! You _said_ you were over this!”

“Don’t you think I tried? I prayed a thousand times for God to change me, to take these feelings away, but he didn’t! This isn’t something that I can just get over! It’s who I am! And it’s not just going to go away because you want it to!

“This is not who you are, Jared!” his mother argued. “Heavenly Father didn’t make you this way! You chose this behavior! You chose to do those...things...with that boy!” She looked sickened at the thought. “How could you do that? And more than once, I’m told! You dishonored your body and your God. You’ll lose your temple recommend, your calling. You’ll be excommunicated. The whole Church will know. Just imagine what they’ll say about us.”

“I love him.”

“Don’t,” she pointed a finger at Jared, anger contorting her face into someone nearly unrecognizable. “Don’t you say things like that. It’s...it’s sick.”

“It’s not sick! It’s who I am!”

“Stop saying that!” Gerald screamed. “I didn’t raise you to be a faggot!”

Jared recoiled at the words as if they had been a physical blow. Crying out in frustration, he threw his hands up in the air and fled the room.

“Where do you think you’re going?!” Gerald bellowed as Jared stomped up the steps.

“I’m leaving! I’m not staying here!”

He went straight to his room, grabbed a bag out of the closet, and started packing.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

“How could you do this? To us? To yourself?” Alan Ackles demanded from behind the wheel on the long drive back to their ranch.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it this time. Your mother can’t stop crying.”

Jensen felt an acute pain in a chest at the words. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt his family, especially his mama.

“So now you’re what? Gay?”

Jensen flinched. “No...I mean...not totally. I...I still like girls.”

“They told us what you did.” His father’s eyes were glued to the road, his voice dripping with disgust.

Jensen flushed with shame and embarrassment. Not knowing what to say, he remained silent.

 

When they pulled up in front of the ranch house, his father left him to get his bags himself, and when Jensen finally dragged them inside, the house was quiet.

“Where’s Mom and Mack?” he asked softly, almost afraid to break the peaceful silence.

“They’re staying at your Aunt’s. Your mother...she wasn’t ready to see you.”

“I’m sorry, Dad.” Jensen’s voice broke and his father turned on him, his anger evident.

“Then why did you do it, son? It’s an abomination, Jensen! It’s not right! Men are not meant to lie with other men! It goes against everything we believe in! And it’s disgusting! I don’t understand how you could want that!”

“I didn’t want it! I don’t want it! I didn’t _choose_ to feel this way!”

“Of course you did! You made the choice to let him touch you! You chose to have...relations...with that boy! That isn’t God’s plan for you!”

“Then what _is_ His plan for me?”

“You know, Jensen! The way to eternal happiness is through the plan of salvation. Through obeying God’s laws. Choosing the right. Entering into a temple marriage...children. That’s the only way!”

He was right. Jensen did know that, but it didn’t change what he felt, the way he _still_ felt about Jared.

“You...you ruined everything, Jensen. Just...just go. I...I can’t look at you right now.”  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jensen sat quietly in front of the disciplinary council as they read off the litany of charges against him. He only shook his head in defeat when they asked him whether or not he was going to deny them.

When he was ordered to describe, in detail, everything that he had done with Jared, Jensen was horrified beyond words. He wasn’t sure how he managed to get through it, but finally, when all the relevant matters had been discussed, Jensen was asked to leave the room. After an interminable wait, he was allowed back in to hear the council’s judgment.

It was decided that Jensen had committed a serious transgression, one that was subject to stern discipline. He was repeatedly sexually active outside of marriage, with someone of his own gender, and he was to be excommunicated immediately, meaning his membership on The Church records would be suspended.

For days his parents would barely speak to him. The only member of his family who didn’t actively avoid his company was his sister. Mackenzie surprised him when she returned home that first day after Jensen got back by pulling him into a hug and whispering in his ear that everything would be all right. Jensen was having trouble believing her, but welcomed the unexpected show of support.

He’d spoken to several of his friends in the weeks since he’d been home. Most of them tried to be sympathetic, but it hurt to know that there were a few who had been forbidden to talk to him. Their parents were apparently concerned now that Jensen would be a bad influence.

He hadn’t heard a word from Katie since he arrived home, but his friend Jason told him that she was devastated and horrified by what he had done, and that she didn’t want to see him. Then again, even if she did, Jensen had no idea what to say to her.

Jensen spent his days on the ranch, steering clear of his family. His father was working him hard, seemingly determined to keep him close to home, but Jensen really didn’t mind as the work helped keep his mind off things.

He refused to go back to Church. Even though everyone kept telling him he was welcome, Jensen was too embarrassed to show his face. So he wasn’t surprised when he came inside one day to find his entire family, including his grandparents, and the Bishop, waiting for him in the living room.

It was like an intervention with the way they sat him down and went around the room telling him how much they all loved him, how worried they were about him. They pleaded with him to go back to Church and he almost laughed out loud deliriously when they gave him a copy of the pamphlet, _God Loveth His Children_.

They ambushed Jensen with their words and demands, and in the end, despite his wish to stay away, he promised that he would return to Church and meet with the Bishop weekly for counsel.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jared refused to go to his disciplinary hearing so he wasn’t surprised when he got a letter in the mail letting him know he’d been excommunicated.

He’d been staying at Chad’s apartment ever since he stormed out of his parents’ house. Chad lived in an efficiency apartment a few streets away from the Art Institute he was attending. When Jared first said he needed a place to stay, Chad just pointed towards the couch and said, “Mi casa, su casa. But your giant ass better not snore.”

He was nervous at first about how his best friend was going to take it, since the news of his transgression spread through The Church like wildfire. But he never should have doubted Chad’s awesomeness. Apparently he suspected all along that Jared was gay.

“I always knew you were a freak of nature, Padalecki. I mean you never once took an interest in my _Busty Asian Beauties_ collection,” he said, as if that explained everything.

Jared was grateful to have a friend who was so unequivocally accepting. Not many of his other friends were. But then again, Chad never really was one to follow the crowd, preferring to do his own thing. It was one of the reasons Jared liked him so much.

He hadn’t spoken to his parents since their last attempt at communication, a few days after Jared left, which had ended in another screaming fight. His brother told him that they still wanted to see him, but Jared was still too livid to deal with them. His parents seemed to be determined to get him to admit he was wrong, that he had chosen to feel the way he did, and to go back to Church with them.

Jared spent years fighting how he felt and hating himself for it, but meeting Jensen changed that somehow. Being with Jensen was the closest Jared had ever come to feeling like his true self, to feeling whole, and he didn’t want to give that up. He was done trying to be someone he wasn’t. It wasn’t worth it.

He wanted to call Jensen as soon as he got home, but felt like he should give the other boy some time. He was sure that Jensen was dealing with the same things he was—with his family, with The Church. He wanted Jensen to know that he was there for him though, so he dialed the number Jensen had written out for him neatly on one of his favored index cards.

When a woman answered, Jared said, “Hi...is Jensen there?”

The woman on the other end of the line was quiet for a moment before returning, “Who is this?”

“My name is Jared. I’m...I’m a friend of his.”

“I don’t believe I know of any friends of his by that name.”

Jared sighed.

“Umm...well...we met while he was on his mission.”

“You’re him...aren’t you?” she asked accusingly, and Jared’s chest tightened at the venom in her tone. “You are. You’re the one who did this to him. Well, my son has no desire to speak to you and I would hope you’d have the decency not to call here again.”

She abruptly hung up and Jared could do nothing but listen to the lingering dial-tone in shock.

 _Jensen didn’t want to talk to him. Jensen didn’t want him._

Jared’s chest constricted as the realization sunk in, the acute pain threatening to suffocate him when Chad walked in. Immediately sensing Jared’s distress, Chad crossed the room to kneel in front of him.

“Jared?” he asked with a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

Jared was having trouble breathing, vertigo setting in from the temporary asphyxia. He didn’t even notice when Chad took the cell phone from his hand and ended the call for him.

Jared’s shoulders dropped and he lowered his head, tears falling in steady streams down his face. All the anger he had been carrying around the past few days transmuted into grief. Of all the things he expected to happen, Jensen abandoning him wasn’t one of them. His faith had been tested on so many levels, but the one thing he had believed in was Jensen.

“He said he didn’t regret it. He said...”

But he hadn’t said the actual words, if Jared stopped to think about it. He had nodded, right? He could have sworn he did. _Oh God!_ Jared felt sick, his head spinning. Chad was sitting on the couch next to him now, his hand gently rubbing up and down the middle of Jared’s back, attempting to sooth.

“What happened, man? Talk to me,” Chad insisted but Jared only shook his head, his tears the only answer he could give.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

He was still on the couch a week later when Chad returned home from class one day and threw his backpack at Jared’s head.

“What the hell, man?” Jared exclaimed, sitting up and chucking the bag back in Chad’s general direction.

Chad flopped down in the recliner and rolled his eyes. “Spare me the attitude, man. Emo bitch hour is over. You’ve been on that couch for a week and you still won’t tell me what’s wrong. You haven’t showered in days and I don’t need your stank all over my makeout sofa.”

Jared looked down at himself and sniffed his arm pit. Yeah, ok, so he reeked. With a heavy sigh, he flopped back down on the couch and threw his arm over his face.

“What’s going on? I’m not letting it go this time. So spill, before I bring out the hose.”

Grumbling, Jared muttered, “It’s Jensen.”

“Jensen? Jensen, as in the guy you were macking on while you were off pretending to be a missionary?”

Jared glared at him. “It wasn’t like that. We...I...I thought we had something, ya know? I guess I was wrong.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“I tried to call him and...and his mom told me he didn’t want to talk to me, and that I shouldn’t call again.” Tears prickled at his eyes and Jared rubbed a hand over them. He didn’t want to cry any more. He’d been crying all week and was sick of it. He threw a glance at Chad to find his friend watching him with uncharacteristic sympathy.

“I’m sorry, man.” Chad sighed. “That fucking sucks.”

Jared nodded in agreement. The tears snuck up on him and Jared sucked in a harsh breath as they broke free. Closing his eyes, he pressed his fists to his face and pushed them away. “I guess he changed his mind about us. I guess he figures it’s not worth it. That _I’m_ not worth it.”

“That’s bullshit,” Chad said. “And he’s messed up if he doesn’t see it. Forget about him. You don’t need that. You get your ass up off that couch and go out there and meet someone who does think you’re worth it.”

“I just thought that we had a chance. Like, a real chance. I thought...”

 _...he loved me_. Jared kept that last bit to himself and let the tears take him once again.  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

The only person Jensen had to talk to was his sister. They’d always been close, but they never really spend that much time together before Jensen left for his mission. Nowadays, Mackenzie always seemed to be nearby, as if sensing her brother’s unspoken need. Maybe that was why she followed him out into the barn that day and offered to help him clean out the stables, a task she would normally avoid like the plague.

They were working in silence, Jensen lost in his own thoughts, when Mack surprised him by saying, “Tell me about Jared.”

“What?” he asked, tossing a fresh bale of hay into the stall in front of him. “How do you know about Jared?” Jensen knew his parents had spared his sister the details, saying only that he was sent home for engaging in homosexual activity outside of marriage.

“I overheard Mom and Dad talking. They said he was the one who did this to you. He was your companion, wasn’t he?”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Jared didn’t _do_ anything to me,” he said as he reached down to grab more hay. “They can’t blame this on him.”

“Well, they do. That’s why they didn’t tell you he called.”

“What?”

Mack nodded. “Yeah. Mom hung up on him, I think.”

Jensen’s chest constricted at the thought of Jared calling. Oh, how he missed the sound of Jared’s voice; the last two weeks had been unbearably silent in comparison to the comfortable chatter he had grown accustomed to around Jared. He could just imagine how his brow must have furrowed in the way he adored when his mom hung up on him.

Crap, the harder he tried to stop thinking about Jared, the more the memories surfaced, unbidden. Shaking himself from his thoughts, Jensen walked to the next stall door, hauling it open, deliberately ignoring his sister’s curious look. He was hoping she wouldn’t notice but nothing seemed to get past Mack these days. “So...tell me about him.”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I’m just curious to know about the guy who’s got you so messed up inside.”

“I am _not_ messed up.”

“Well, you weren’t gay before you met him.”

Jensen grabbed another bale of hay and threw it into the stall. “I’m _still_ not gay, Mack. I like girls.” He grabbed a rake off the wall and stepped into the stall.

Mack followed him. “So what was it about Jared then?” she asked, as Jensen cut the twine that was holding the hay together with his pocket-knife.

He considered her question for a moment, grabbing a rake and poking it into the loose bundle. “I don’t know.”

She shot him a look that clearly said _not good enough_ and followed him silently as he moved to the next stall, content to wait as long as she had to for an answer.

“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

When she just continued to watch him expectantly, Jensen let out a tired sigh of resignation.

“You know, they told us at the MTC that being a missionary was like being in a marriage, that we’d never be as close to our wives as we would be to our companions. I guess that’s true because we were together 24 hours a day. But I was happy...with him. I didn’t mind. I even enjoyed it. Jared was funny and friendly. Everyone loved him and I...” Jensen paused to lean against the wall by the stable door.

“He made me feel...” he glanced up shyly at his sister, giving a small, embarrassed quirk of his lips. “I guess I realized at one point that the way I felt about Jared, was the way I should have been feeling about Katie the whole time we were together.”

Mack considered his words thoughtfully, and Jensen felt a surge of affection for his sister, simply for caring, for _really_ listening.

“It was...intense,” he said, and shrugged his shoulders. “But it doesn’t matter now.”

“Why doesn’t it matter?”

Jensen rolled his eyes and pushed away from the wall. “Because it doesn’t matter what I want, or how I feel.”

“But you were happy.”

“You know it’s not that simple. I’ll just meet some girl, get married, and make everybody happy.”

“Everybody but you.”

Jensen looked sharply at her.

“Are you going to call him?” she questioned, as she walked past him out the barn door. Jensen followed her, shutting the door behind him.

With his jaw clenched tight, he ground out, “No.”

“Why not?”

“Just leave it, Mack,” Jensen demanded, striding quickly away.

“Jensen...”

“No! I...I can’t, all right?”

Mack had to move quickly to catch up with him, they were getting closer to the house with each step.

“Why not? He obviously wants to talk to you.”

Jensen spun on her, his eyes darting a quick look at the house before he said, “I just can’t. If I talk to him I won’t be able to...” He narrowed his eyes at her, his hands balled into fists. “I just can’t. Now I’m telling you to _leave it_.”   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jensen knew he’d promised to return to Church, but how could he? His feelings of guilt and self-hatred showed no signs of lessening.

He stared at the computer screen in front of him. It was his sister’s idea to go online and try to find some help, some advice on how to live with his feelings, and he clicked on the first site that came up after typing “gay Mormon” into the search engine.

He read through the stories and clicked on the links, but most of them seemed to suggest that the only way to find any peace was to leave The Church, until he found a site called _Affirmation_ that said:

 _We are an organization of people who believe in the worth of every soul regardless of their sexual or gender orientation. We rejoice in life. We reject the tyranny that would have us believe that who we are—gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender—is evil or wrong. We affirm that we are all children of loving Heavenly Parents; that our sexual orientation and identity are not an accident, but rather a special gift from God. Our lives and our relationships can be compatible with the Gospel and are a special part of God’s creation._

Jensen devoured the wealth of information provided and was awake into the wee hours of the night reading and chatting with other gay and bisexual Mormons. He talked to other Return Missionaries and young men his age who were going through the same things, and they all encouraged him to determine for himself the difference between what The Church taught and what he actually believed.

Jensen agreed he had some thinking to do. The more he contemplated it though, the more he realized how many of his opinions and beliefs were based, not on his own firsthand knowledge or observation, but on what he had been told by others, and he knew few people outside of The Church. He was amazed at how little he really knew about homosexuality and just how narrow-minded his viewpoints were.

For once, Jensen asked questions instead of blindly accepting things on faith. He started _really_ thinking about what it was he wanted, what he needed in his life. The answers didn’t bring him any comfort though, just more questions.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jensen’s estrangement from his parents, friends, and The Church were wearing on him daily—not to mention his crisis of faith. All of this left him feeling physically sick. He slept fitfully despite spending almost every moment he wasn’t working in bed. Most days he could barely muster the energy to leave his room.

That’s where Mack found him when he was supposed to be down at the ranch’s office helping his Mom with the books.

“What are you still doing in bed?” she asked, flipping the switch on the wall and flooding the room with light.

Jensen groaned loud before grabbing his pillow to cover his face.

“No hiding,” Mack said, snatching the pillow out of his grasp and frowning down at him.

“Mack, leave me alone,” Jensen muttered. “And turn off the damned light.”

A few seconds later the room fell into blessed darkness and Jensen peeked out from under his arm at his none-too-amused sister.

“What’s your problem?” Jensen grumbled, and rolled over to face the wall.

“You’re my problem. You’ve been slacking off for days now and Mom and Dad are making me do your work, and I wanna know why.”

Jensen mumbled something and Mack said, “What was that?”

Rolling back over to face her he said, “I think...I think I’m dying.”

Mack laughed heartily before grabbing Jensen’s desk chair and taking a seat. She had a feeling they were gonna be here for a while.

“Stop laughing. I’m serious. God is punishing me.”

“For what? Being gay?”

“No, for questioning The Church. I never should have...”

“Look, you’re not dying, Jensen,” Mack interrupted. “You’re just in love.”

“W...what?” he stuttered, gaping at her with wide eyes.

Speaking slowly, as if to a small child, Mack repeated. “You’re. In. Love.”

Jensen shook his head determinably. “No...” he said, pinching his nose right between the eyes to stave off a headache. “I just don’t feel good.”

Mack exhaled sharply and slouched down in the chair. “You don’t feel good because you’re depressed. You’re depressed because you want be with Jared, but don’t think you can. Am I right?”

Jensen kept his eyes trained on the ceiling but he didn’t argue with her.

“It doesn’t take a genius to see it, Jensen. Even Mom and Dad know. That’s why they’re always so...prickly...not wanting to talk about it. Cause we _know_ you. You wouldn’t mess around like that with just anyone, especially not another guy unless you loved...”

“I love Jared,” Jensen said, the words sinking in for the first time. _So this is what it feels like._

“Jesus, Jensen, are you even listening to me? The big question is what are you going to do about it?”

“Do about what? There’s nothing I _can_ do about it.”

Mack shook her head, looking down at Jensen like she’s surprised she’s even related to him. “Don’t be silly, Jensen. Of course there is. You just have to stop worrying about what other people want you to do and start thinking about what _you_ want for a change.”

Mack sighed heavily before continuing. “You know, for someone so book smart, you sure are acting like an idiot. Are you sure you’re my brother?”

She was right though, and that realization brought everything into focus. He _did_ have options and it was entirely up to him to decide what kind of life he was going to have.

Jensen always liked the structure and order The Church brought to his life. It was safe and comfortable. But he _wasn’t_ happy, not in the way he was before, now that he knew what he was missing.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

Jensen didn’t really know for sure exactly what he was going to do until he opened his scriptures that night. Reading scriptures before bed was a lifelong habit that he wasn’t ready to give up, always hoping that they would give him the inspiration and the guidance to make the right choices.

That night, they did.

The note slipped out from between the pages of his Bible and fell lightly into Jensen’s lap. He didn’t recognize it. He was meticulous about note-taking and never used loose paper like the one he held in his hand now. It looked like it had been torn out of a notebook and when Jensen opened it, his breath caught in his throat. It read:

Jensen didn’t even realize he was crying until he heard the soft knock on his door and his sister’s voice whisper, “Jensen? You all right?”

He tried to choke out an answer but found it impossible, the flood of emotion too much.

When he didn’t respond, Mack poked her head in and found him on the bed, clutching the note in his hand like a life-line. He couldn’t look at her when she sat down next to him, embarrassed by his lack of control over himself.

Her hand brushed gently through his hair and he heard her sigh, “Oh, Jensen...”

Jensen shook his head, trying to regain some composure and handed her the note, watching as her face crumpled when she read the words written on it.

“He...he loves me.” Jensen managed, and Mack smiled at him, her own eyes misty with tears.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

He wanted to call Jared immediately, had even risen in search of the number Jared had given him, when his sister kindly reminded him that it was the middle of the night.

He still located the number and sat it next to the note on his bedside table while he waited for morning to come, too nervous and anxious to sleep.

When daylight finally arrived and the clock read 8:00, Jensen grabbed his cell phone and dialed the number with shaking fingers, taking a deep breath as he waited for someone to answer.

“Hello?” The woman’s voice sounded groggy and Jensen worried that maybe it was still too early.

“Um...hello. Could I speak to Jared, please?”

The woman paused slightly before replying, “Jared doesn’t live here anymore.”

He wasn’t expecting that. “Oh...well...could you tell me where I can reach him?”

“Who is this?” She sounded suspicious and Jensen had the distinct feeling that he shouldn’t tell her his name.”

“Um...I’m a friend of his. I just really need to talk to him. If you could tell me where I might be able to reach him...”

The woman, who Jensen assumed was Jared’s mother, gave a lengthy pause before she finally said, “No. I’m afraid not.”

The words hit Jensen like a smack to the face. “ _Please_. I really need to speak to him.”

“No.” The woman snapped. “I don’t know where he is.” And then all Jensen heard was the dial tone.

 _Damn it!_

 

He stared down at Jared’s note for almost an hour, trying desperately to think of some other way to locate him.

When it finally came to him, Jensen ran to his computer. A few minutes later he was looking at a San Antonio phone directory and Mack was knocking at his door.

“So, did ya call him?”

Jensen told her hastily about his conversation with Jared’s mother while he typed.

“So what are you doing now?” Mack inquired, peeking over Jensen’s shoulder at the computer screen.

Jensen pressed ENTER and waited for his search results.

“I’m looking for Jared’s best friend. I’m hoping that’s where he went. Or the guy will at least know where to find him.”

There were three Chad Murrays in the San Antonio phone book. Determined, Jensen dialed the first number.

The first number had been disconnected, the second belonged to a man who’d never heard of Jared Padalecki.

As Jensen dialed the third and final number, he sent up a silent prayer that this would be the one, and let out a heavy breath when he was sent to voice mail.

“This is Chad. You know what to do,” the message said.

At the beep, Jensen left a message saying who he was, and that he was looking for Jared. He left his number and asked for a call back before reluctantly hanging up.

Mack sat quietly through the whole thing and watched as Jensen stood and stuffed his cell phone in his pocket. He moved to his desk and grabbed his wallet before ransacking his closet.

“What are you doing now?” she asked, confused, as Jensen started pulling jeans out of his dresser and adding them to the pile on the bed.

“I’m going to San Antonio.” He pulled a bag out of the closet and stuffed it full of his clothes, adding socks and underwear before grabbing his iPod. “It’s only a four-hour drive.”

“Oh my God, seriously?”

“I have to do something Mack. All I know is I can’t sit here and wait.”

Mack stood and followed him as Jensen left the room and made his way downstairs.

“What about Mom and Dad?”

Jensen hadn’t even thought of that, and honestly, it felt good not caring what other people had to say for once.

“I don’t care. Tell them whatever you want. I’ll call you when I get there.”

He grabbed some fruit and water from the fridge for breakfast, and headed straight for his truck.

He didn’t know why he was in such a hurry. It wasn’t like he even knew what he was going to do once he got there. He just knew he had to find Jared.   


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

The cell phone was on the seat next to Jensen, the volume turned up high to make sure he didn’t miss the call he was praying would come sometime before he made it to San Antonio. When it finally rang, he was about two hours outside of the city.

Jensen lunged for the phone, narrowly avoiding swerving his truck in the process.

“Hello?”

“Hey, this is Chad. Is this Jensen?”

He sounded young enough and Jensen let himself hope that this really was the guy he was looking for.

“Yeah, this is Jensen. I’m looking for Jared.”

“You better be. But I’m inclined to tell you to go screw a goat after what you did to him...”

 _A goat?_ “What? Wait. So you _do_ know Jared?”

“Of course I know Jared!” Chad said with exasperation.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Jensen pulled off the road. “Oh thank God!” Cars and trucks flew past him at 70 mph but Jensen barely even noticed as he focused only on finding Jared. “Wait, what did you mean by, _what I did to him_?”

“Dude, are you slow or something? I _mean_ going and telling him you didn’t want to talk to him! I should fuck your shit up for messin’ with my boy like that.”

“I never said that! I haven’t even spoken to him.”

“Ok, so it was your mom then. She said you didn’t want to talk to him, and that he should never call you again.”

Jensen’s heart sank. “Look, Chad, it’s a long story, but I didn’t know about any of this. She never even told me he called. It was...well...like I said, it’s a long story, but I promise, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt Jared. Please, do you know where he is? His mom told me he moved out.”

The panic in Jensen’s voice must have shown because Chad’s tone suddenly warmed.

“He’s been staying with me. But he’s not here right now. He went out to look for a job.”

“I’m about two hours outside of San Antonio. Can I come to you? I really need to see him.”  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

When Jensen arrived at Chad’s apartment he was greeted with a handshake and a good once over.

“Damn, Jared wasn’t exaggerating,” Chad said, eyeing him up and down. “You are really fucking pretty. Not that I swing that way,” he said, waving his hand in Jensen’s direction. “That’s Jared’s department.”

Jensen raised his brow at the apparently completely hetero blond guy who just checked him out. He remembered Jared telling him that Chad was raised in The Church as well, so he was surprised when the younger man pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit up, saying, “Jared’s gonna shit a gold brick when he finds out you’re here.”

Chad caught Jensen eyeing the smokes and chuckled lightly. “Yeah, I’m not exactly your model Mormon. Probably explains why Jared’s parents hate me so much. C’mon, loverboy...” he said, gesturing for Jensen to follow him.

Chad’s apartment was tiny and Jensen could see Jared’s things scattered around the couch. He recognized Jared’s scripture bag lying on the floor.

“How long has he been living here?” Jensen inquired, pushing aside the mess of blankets on the small sofa so he could sit down. There was no way Jared could fit on this thing comfortably.

“Ever since he got home. His parents freaked out over your big gay love and he split.”

Jensen shook his head at Chad in amazement. He had never met anyone like Chad before. A member of The Church who smoked, swore, and treated what he and Jared did like it was nothing. It was...unsettling, but definitely refreshing.

Jensen reached down to pick up Jared’s scriptures, his fingers brushing lightly over the engraved letting of Jared’s name.

“Yeah. My parents weren’t too thrilled either.” When he looked up, Chad was watching him, open curiosity on his face.

“What are you doing here Jensen? Jared’s had it pretty rough lately and he doesn’t need you messin’ with his head some more.”

Jensen’s eyes fell back to the book in his hands. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I honestly didn’t know he called. When I found out...I should’ve called him back but...I was scared.”

Chad took another long drag on his cigarette and breathed out, “Yeah, you shoulda. He was pretty torn up, thinkin’ you didn’t want him anymore. “

Jensen blanched at his words. “I know I screwed up. But please...”

Chad regarded him silently, like some crazy, squinty-eyed judge deciding his fate.

Eventually Jensen looked away from the scrutiny and cleared his throat. “You seem awful ok with all this. I mean...with me and Jared. With what...what we did.”

“Jared’s my best friend. Known him since the 5th grade. He might’ve fooled his parents with his straight boy act but he never fooled me. I started suspecting when the girls were practically throwin’ themselves at him and he just wanted to spend time with me. I mean, I know I’m awesome, and who wouldn’t want to hang out with me, but turnin’ down Sandy “Perfect Tits” McCoy?” He took another drag and blew it out slow, his foot tapping restlessly on the floor as he studied Jensen.

“That boy’s been livin’ like a monk for years. You must be something special to make him crack like that.”  


  
[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)

The sun was high in the sky and Jared’s shirt was soaked with sweat. The bus he was riding on didn’t seem to have working air conditioning so he got off as soon as he could. He was spending the day looking for a job, putting in applications everywhere he could think of. He had a savings account, but it wouldn’t last forever and he didn’t want to rely on his parents at all if he could avoid it, which required a steady paycheck.

He planned on going to college, but he was pretty sure his parents weren’t willing to help him with tuition anymore, even though he hadn’t really discussed it with them yet. Jared still needed to pick up a few of his things so he decided to stop by their house before he went back to Chad’s. Figured he might as well get it over with.

He finally stepped off the bus a few streets down from his house—correction, his _parent’s_ house. Sometime over the last few weeks Jared had stopped thinking of the place he grew up in as home.

He had been on his feet all day and all he wanted to do was get his stuff and leave with as little drama as possible.

He trudged up to the front door to knock, but it swung open before his fist could make contact.

“Jared!”

He stood there, dumbfounded, as his mother pulled him into a hug. _What the hell?_ The last time the two of them had spoken, they had fought so badly, he was afraid he was going to have to send Chad to get his things. Now here she was treating him like the he was the prodigal son returned. It didn’t make any sense.

He hugged her back though, missing the days when her love was always so freely given. He wasn’t sure what had prompted this sudden change of heart, but he was willing to play along until he found out.

Jared followed her into the kitchen where his father greeted him warmly from the table.

“Hey Dad. What’s going on?”

Gerald Padalecki stood and wrapped Jared in a one armed embrace. “Have a seat, son,” he said, gesturing at the table with a smile.

Jared sat, a ball of nerves settling in his stomach. Something was up. He could feel it, and his suspicions were confirmed when he cast a glance at his mother and caught her wringing her hands anxiously, the first crack in her pristine exterior.

“What’s going on?” Jared repeated, as his dad settled in the chair opposite him.  
Gerald cleared his throat, smiling encouragingly at his wife as she also sat down. “We wanted to talk to you before you got your things.”

“Oh yeah?”

Sharon nodded. “We want you to come home, Jared.”

That was the last thing he expected to hear. Stunned, Jared gawked at his parents, momentarily speechless.

They seemed to be waiting for him to say something, but it took him a moment to recover. He thought back to their last argument that had taken place shortly after he’d moved in with Chad, when they had both shown up to retrieve him, and force him to return home. It had ended in a violent screaming match.

Voice trembling slightly, Jared stated, “I thought I wasn’t your son anymore.”

Gerald lowered his eyes and actually managed to look contrite. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I was...I was angry and hurt.”

Jared couldn’t remember the last time his father had apologized for anything, and a tiny spring of hope began to well up in his chest.

“But...you said I was sick.”

“We went about this the wrong way, Jared,” Sharon spoke seriously, and her husband nodded his head in agreement. “We shouldn’t have talked to you that way. We should have tried to be more understanding and focused on getting you the help you needed.”

“Help?” Jared asked, confused.

His father stood and reached for a binder lying on the kitchen counter. Sitting it on the table in front of Jared, he returned to his seat.

Jared recognized it immediately. It was the exact same binder of information he and Jensen had given the Reynolds family about Evergreen treatment facility. _Fuck, not this again._

“We’ve looked into it,” Gerald said, “and they have a bed available in their Dallas facility. They can take you right away and when you finish your treatment, you can come home and be with your family.”

“What? No!” Jared cried, anger flaring hot and heavy in his belly. He couldn’t believe that he’d thought, even for a second, that his parents had changed.

“Jared, please, we want you to come home.” His mother reached a hand out to him and Jared jerked back, out of her reach, pushing roughly away from the table.

“I’d love to be able to come home, but I can’t do this anymore! I can’t keep beating myself up over something that I _cannot_ change!”

“But you can...” his mother tried to say.

“No!” Jared stood and shoved the Evergreen binder across the table at his father. “I’ve hated myself for too long and I’m tired of it! Being with Jensen was the closest I’ve ever felt to actual happiness, and I am tired of feeling like I don’t deserve that.”

“You do deserve to be happy Jared,” his father informed him. “But what you did...with that boy...was sinful.”

“It’s not a sin to love someone. “ Jared argued.

“That’s not love, Jared. It’s unnatural.”

“And what _is_ natural, Dad? Never getting to experience love? Being alone forever? How is that natural?”

When neither of his parents had anything to say to that, Jared continued. “It’s not, and if God loves us, then I can’t believe he would be so cruel. Not anymore.”

With that, Jared left them standing there, and headed straight to his room. It looked exactly like he left it, and Jared sat on his bed, attempting to calm his racing heart and trembling hands. He couldn’t keep doing this. It was making him crazy.

He was so tired and he just wanted to go home. But where was home? It wasn’t here with his family. Not anymore. The closest thing he had to a home right now was Chad’s couch, which still bore unpleasant remnants from Jared’s week of neglecting personal hygiene.

Frowning severely, Jared packed another suitcase full of his clothes and filled a bag with his X-box and his favorite games. When he turned to his bookcase to grab some stray DVDs, his hand stalled over the set of picture frames on the top shelf. His “perfect” Mormon family. He thought about leaving the photos behind, but at the last minute he stuffed the frames between some socks before hauling the whole lot back downstairs.

His parents were still sitting silently in the kitchen, but Jared simply avoided them, and picked up the phone to call Chad for a ride.

 

His parents ignored him when he dragged his bags past them and out the front door. As angry as he was, it still hurt. Jared didn’t want it to be this way. He loved his parents, but he was done killing himself trying to make them happy. He was done killing himself, period. Every day he spent hiding, loathing himself, was like bleeding out slowly. He had to either let himself die, or save himself. And he chose to save himself.

He was sitting on the front stoop when a truck he didn’t recognize pulled up in front of the house. The sun was setting, casting a glare on the windshield that prevented him from getting a look at the driver. It was probably one of his parent’s friends—someone they called to try to comfort them over their big disappointment of a son. Jared just sighed and lowered his head, retreating back into his thoughts.

“Jared?”

J _ensen?_ He’d know that voice anywhere, but he only sat there like a slack-jawed idiot, refusing to believe his eyes.

Jensen made his way slowly towards him. “Jared?” he tried again with a nervous smile.

“W-what are you doing here?” Jared asked as he stood, his eyes taking in every inch of the older man in front of him.

Jensen honestly looked like a wreck. He had dark circles under his eyes, his freckles standing out more starkly against his pale skin, his eyes darting uncertainly between Jared and the sidewalk.

“Chad told me you needed a ride so...” His lips quirked into an uneasy smile and Jared recognized his attempt at easing the tension.

Jensen stopped just sort of the steps and Jared still didn’t know why he was here but he couldn’t stop himself from closing the remaining distance and pulling Jensen into a hug.

His long arms pulled the older man in, automatically gripping him close and Jensen’s arms responded accordingly, circling Jared’s waist. Jared held him tight, relishing the feeling of having Jensen in his arms again.

“God, Jensen, I thought I’d never see you again.”

Jensen hugged him back, his hands fisting in the back of Jared’s t-shirt.

“I’m sorry about that. I...it was rough...for a while. And I...”

Jensen was interrupted by Gerald grabbing Jared’s shoulder and pulling him out of Jensen’s embrace.

“What are you doing?” Gerald hissed, eyes narrowed and darting quickly between the two boys and the rest of the neighborhood.

“Dad, this is Jensen.” Jared replied, grinning wide. Not even his dad’s anger could dampen his joy at seeing Jensen again.

Gerald looked horrified at his confirmation of who exactly Jensen was. Glaring at him, he growled, “You stay away from my son.”

Jensen looked stricken.

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Jared said, moving closer to Jensen as Gerald gaped at his son’s defiance.

With a hand on Jensen’s elbow, Jared led him down the sidewalk, away from his father.

“Ignore him,” he said, throwing a challenging look at his dad. “What are you doing here?”

Jensen ran his hands through his hair apprehensively, overly conscious of Jared’s father, and now his mother, who had stepped out the front door to stand behind her husband, watching them.

“I got your note...and I wanted to apologize for...”

Jared shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“No. I should’ve talked to you, but...but I was scared.” Throwing a quick glance at Jared’s parents, Jensen seemed to steel himself, his shoulders straightening. He looked up into Jared’s eyes. “I realized I love you and it scared me to death.”

“Jared!” Gerald yelled, but both boys ignored him.

Jared was grinning, that deep ache in his chest he thought had set up permanent residence suddenly gone.

“You love me?”

A timid smile spread across Jensen’s face and he palmed the back of his neck shyly. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Jared!” Gerald interrupted, the warning in his tone clear.

Jared’s only response was to take Jensen’s face in his hands and cover his mouth with his own.

His mother’s gasp as he leaned in was the last thing he remembered. He didn’t hear his father’s angry retort. He didn’t even notice their hasty retreat back into the house in disgust. He was too busy relearning the taste of Jensen’s mouth, discovering for the first time what it felt like to be whole.


	5. God Loveth His Children

Six months later

It wasn’t always easy—not that Jared thought it would be. He’d never been in a serious relationship before, so he didn’t really know what to expect; but the one thing that made it all worthwhile, was coming home to Jensen at the end of every day.

They were living in College Station while Jared went to school at Texas A&M College of Veterinary Medicine, paying his own way through scholarships and grants, as well as a few loans. Money was tight but it was worth it to not have to rely on his family for anything.

The last time he talked to his parents was five months ago, and that was only because he stopped by his brother’s house to drop off some tools he borrowed and they were there. It had been awkward and brief. His father wouldn’t even acknowledge Jared’s existence and his mother had lasted about ten minutes before she was going on about how she didn’t know how Jared could do this to them, how he didn’t even care that he was living in sin with another man. That if he would just try...

Jensen’s family situation was fortunately improving. His parents took it really hard when he left, but where Jared wasn’t even allowed to see his little sister, Mack came to visit them regularly. She always said she was working on their parents, trying to get them to accept Jensen’s feelings. Jensen always told her he would believe it when he saw it and that he wasn’t holding his breath. But then his mother had started calling, just wanting to talk, wanting to see how Jensen was. That eventually led to long phone conversations with his father. Although they were still having trouble reconciling their beliefs with their son’s sexuality, they were trying and that’s what mattered.

While Jared was going to school, Jensen jumped from job to job, trying to find his niche. It was hard for him to go from having his whole life planned out to having no clue what he was going to do next. He’d always planned on working on his family’s ranch. His dad built the business from the ground up and Jensen had always intended to take it over when his father was gone, to keep it in the family. He loved the ranch. His life revolved around it and he didn’t have many other skills outside of it.

Neither of them returned to Church, but even though they were no longer active members, Jared knew that both he and Jensen still identified themselves as Mormon. They were Mormon for the same reason they were gay. They were born that way. Their lives simply existed in the area where their two worlds overlapped. The LDS Church was a part of them, there was no denying that. And if he was honest, there were things Jared still loved about it, things he would miss.

Even though he felt like there was a void in his life that The Church used to fill, Jared never felt incomplete. He was whole. He had Jensen. They had each other. Jensen was his family now and he knew Jensen felt the same.

It was easy opening his life to Jensen. They fell effortlessly back into the familiarity of living together, only now, they shared a bed.

The first night they slept in the same bed was the night Jensen arrived in San Antonio. There wasn’t enough room at Chad’s, so Jared and Jensen rented a motel room. It was wonderful to be able to touch and kiss for hours and never have to worry about who might catch them. That night, they slept in each other’s arms, and Jared had felt at peace for the first time in his life.

They were always upfront about their relationship with everyone they met, making friends along the way. And even though things didn’t always go smoothly, they built a new life together. They were happy.

It was on the six month anniversary of their reunion that Jensen received the invitation. It was Mackenzie’s birthday and she wanted Jensen to be there, which didn’t surprise him. What surprised him was that the invitation was addressed to both him and Jared.

“They want me there?” Jared asked that night, and Jensen nodded, stretching out next to him in their bed.

“I called and talked to my mom. She wants us to stay for a couple of days.”

Jared raised his eye-brows at that and pulled Jensen into his side. Resting his chin on Jared’s chest, Jensen looked up at him. “I’m just as surprised as you are, but she actually acknowledged the fact that she knew we were serious and figured I wouldn’t want to go without you. And she was right.”

Jared smiled down at him and laid a soft kiss to Jensen’s temple.

“Do you wanna go?” Jensen asked.

“I’ll go if you want me to. But if you wouldn’t be comfortable with me there..."

Jensen pressed his finger to Jared’s lips to silence him. “I want you there.”

“This will be the first time you’ve been home since you left.”

Jensen propped himself up on his elbow so he could see Jared’s face properly.

“That’s not my home anymore,” he said, laying a gentle kiss to Jared’s jaw, and another at the corner of his mouth. “My home is here, with you.”  


  
[ ](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v252/keleiter/My%20fic/?action=view&current=divider.gif)   


They arrived at the ranch shortly before noon on the day of Mack’s birthday. Jensen’s family showered Jensen with hugs and kisses as Jared stood back and let his boyfriend enjoy the moment, content to see him so happy at being welcomed so warmly.

They were both really nervous at first, afraid that having Jared there would prove to be too much, but Jensen’s mom hugged Jared as well once she released her son. It was awkward and tense, but Jared could see the relief on Jensen’s face that they were making the effort.

Jensen’s mom had a buffet style lunch waiting for them that included several lunchmeat choices, baked beans, potato salad and macaroni salad. The table was so full of choices, Jared didn’t know what to eat first.

Then Jensen gave Jared the tour of the ranch that he’d been wanting to give him ever since that night, almost a year ago now, when Jensen promised he would teach Jared to ride a horse.

He kept his promise too. On their last night on the ranch, they filled a couple of packs with some food and they camped out like real cowboys, just like Jensen said they would.

It was a beautiful evening, the sky bright with stars, and Jared could hear the chirping of crickets along with the crackle of the fire. Jared marveled how different his life was now as the two of them sat by the fire, Jensen wrapped in his arms.

Not even two years ago, he had all but resigned himself to a life of isolation and celibacy, a life of heartache and pain.

It was all so different now. He may no longer have his family, but he had Jensen. And seeing Jensen’s family give their son a second chance gave Jared hope that one day his own family would be open to welcoming him back into their lives, just the way he was, without any conditions or requirements. He had love, true love that wasn’t based on lies and deceit. He no longer had to hide who he was or what he wanted. He was free to be in love, free to _enjoy_ being in love.

“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this,” Jared said.

“Doing what?”

“The whole Brokeback thing. I mean, I know you said cowboys, but it all seemed like a faraway fantasy back then. I never thought...”

Jared’s mouth was stilled by Jensen’s as their lips met, tongues sliding together in a long languorous kiss. He could never get enough of this—having Jensen so close, so warm in his arms, and all his.

Jared tugged until Jensen was lying on top of him and ran his hands over the soft skin of his back under Jensen’s t-shirt, lifting it up until he could pull it over his head.

“Wait Jared, someone might see us...” Jensen whispered into his mouth when Jared’s hands dropped to his ass, palming the soft mounds of flesh through his jeans.

“Like who? The other gay couples camping out on your ranch?”

“Okay, fine. But I’m not doing this in the dirt. At least get in the tent.”

“And here I thought you were a real cowboy?” Jared teased, but Jensen’s fastidiousness was just one of the many things that Jared had come to love about him.

They quickly scrambled into the tent and Jared put one hand on the back of Jensen’s neck to pull him down against the tarp and licked deep into his mouth. There was nothing soft or hesitant about it now, and Jensen kissed him back with equal fervor, Jared tilting his head to get a better angle.

Jensen rocked against him, dragging a strangled sound from Jared’s throat.

“Jesus, Jensen...God...wanna feel you. Please.” He ran his hands down over Jensen’s back and looked up to see Jensen’s wide, green eyes staring down at him. “Please,” he said again, voice rough.

Jensen nodded once and dropped a soft kiss to Jared’s lips. “Turn over,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Jensen lifted up to give Jared room to do as he asked and Jared rolled over onto his stomach. Jensen pulled back to remove his own pants before his fingers were dropping to the waistband of Jared’s.

He tugged, pulling his jeans and boxers down and off, Jared lifting his hips a bit to help.  
Jensen trailed soft kisses over Jared’s shoulder and neck, lowering himself until he was resting on top of him and covering Jared’s body with his own.

Jared sighed at the warm weight of Jensen’s body, felt Jensen push his hips forward a little pressing into the crease of Jared’s ass. He kept up the rhythmic grinding with little pushes until Jared groaned, grinding his hips into the ground.

Jensen’s cock was slick with pre-come and it slid easily between the mounds of Jared’s ass. Propping himself up on his elbows, Jensen dropped his head to rest on Jared’s shoulder as Jared pushed his ass back into Jensen’s hardness.

“Oh Christ,” Jensen muttered into the overheated skin of Jared’s neck.

“Yeah, Jen...c’mon...” Jared panted, raising his hips so he could reach his cock, desperate, but there wasn’t enough room so he lifted himself up until he was on his knees, pushing Jensen back until he was on his own knees behind him.

Jensen pressed their bodies together once more as Jared’s hand went to his cock, each tug sending sparks of sensation through his body.

Moaning, Jared braced himself with one arm as Jensen began riding the crease of his ass, thick length thrusting firmly as his hands went to Jared’s hips.

He felt Jensen’s hot breath against his shoulder as he bucked his hips, pressed as close to Jared as he could get. He felt Jensen lavishing kisses over the warm skin of his back, heard his whispered words, “God, Jared...feel so...God, love you...love you so much.”

Jensen’s confession sent a jolt of heat down Jared’s spine. He cursed and fisted his dick harder. Then Jensen’s hand pushed his away, gripping and stroking him hard until Jared came suddenly with a muffled shout over Jensen’s fist, each slow pull of his hand sending aftershocks through his body.

Jensen kissed the back of Jared’s neck as he continued to ride the shallow crease of Jared’s ass. He finally let go of Jared’s cock and molded their bodies tight together.

Jensen’s hips stuttered a few last desperate times before Jared heard him groaning and felt his cock spurting hot and messy over his ass and back.

“Fuck...” Jensen panted as his hips rocked slowly before ceasing their movement all together.

Jared felt him tightening his arms around his waist and then they were both collapsing forward onto the ground. Jensen held him close against his chest as Jared’s breathing calmed.

They were going to regret not bringing a towel, but Jared was too relaxed right now to worry about it. Jensen’s arms were wrapped loosely around his waist and he could feel the soft puffs of breath against the nape of his neck as his breathing slowed.

Jared allowed himself to bask in the warmth and love, letting the soft cadence of Jensen’s breathing lull him to sleep.


End file.
